The Other Side of The Game

In the millennial dating system, treacherous based offenses are considered extremely heinous. In Detroit city, there’s a dedicated woman who seeks to find peace and healing in spaces where relational chaos ensues. This is her story. *Dun Dun*

Hold me down x Daniel Caesar

Barbara, this is Shirley…

It’s a couple days before your big event, the night out with your friends, or the date night you’ve been anticipating for a while. You’ve got every single detail figured out. All you need is the right hairstyle. You’ve taken your previous hairstyle down, prepped your hair for it to be re-beautified and are excited for your upcoming appointment. The day of your hair appointment, maybe even moments before it’s supposed to start, you get that infamous “Hey boo…” text from your hairdresser. INSTANT PTSD. We all know the conversation that follows this phrase. It’s either an ask for you to push your appointment back a few more hours, day(s) or *bonus points* none of the above. Your appointment is just canceled. No warning. No remorse and no sign of re-booking somewhere else at the last minute. Disappointing? Yes. But hey, it happens to the best of us. There’s another message category that I have come to loathe with everything in me. It’s the ever-provoking “Hey girl, I just think you should know…” message. Again, INSTANT PTSD. These kinds of “Woman to Woman” texts are usually followed by statements and/or evidence detailing extremely shady actions done by a significant other–either with the person messaging or with someone they know. I hate to admit it, but I’ve received this kind of message in previous relationships one too many times.

So what’s the big deal about cheating? I mean honestly, even Beyoncé was cheated on and it’s BEYONCE for goodness sakes!! Is it fair to say that everyone cheats and it’s just something we have to endure in relationships? We all know someone who’s cheated or whose played the side role once before. It could be you reading this who’s in the middle of an entanglement now! If we haven’t personally lived these kinds of experiences, we definitely know of them. The reality is that cheating is not a just a millennial issue; It’s a human issue–no matter the race, age, socioeconomic status, sexual preference or generation. So why do people do it? What makes people step outside of their relationships? Disclaimer: I can’t tell you that I have all the answers, or even the right ones for that matter because everyone’s situation is different and the motives change. I can however, tell you some things that I’ve learned along the way through my own personal experience.

My Man is My Man, is Your Man Heard it’s Her Man too…

Okay, so boom. I had received the “hey, I just think you should know…” message. What followed was a short statement about the sexual involvement of my then significant other and the woman on the other end of my phone. It was like one of those BET original movie “Yep, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I got here,” moments. All that I could remember thinking was what did he do to make homegirl THIS mad?! She had to be extremely pissed off if she’d be willing to tell on him AND herself cause that’s like the number one rule of cheating right?! Like DO NOT tell the other person’s partner that they’re actively cheating and with you of all people!! Sadly, this isn’t my first rodeo. It’s typically been the same routine in my neck of the woods. Girl meets boy, boy has girlfriend, girl sticks around to see how dedicated boy is to girlfriend. Boy makes a move in which girl justifies her actions by placing fault on the boy who has the girlfriend. Girl ends up falling for boy, then gets upset when boy doesn’t leave girlfriend. Girl opens up and confronts girlfriend to expose the boy for the trash that he truly is and then walks away… or girl sticks around to see if she’ll finally have an honest shot at being with said boy. What a great love origin story. How did you and your partner meet?? Oh, we met while he was with another woman. We fooled around and fell in love and the rest is history! It’s giving Alicia Keys. Yikes.

It’s Not Right, But It’s Okay…

I used to wonder what the main objective was. Like were we supposed to join forces and set the man up because homegirl’s feelings got hurt? Kinda like what happened to Ty Dolla $ign when he saw two of his women in the club? Or are we expected to be like “The Boy is Mine” and fight over him Monica and Brandy style?? Maybe we were supposed to be beefed out like 3rd and 4th baby mommas and do the dramatic Summer Walker slide down the nearest wall??? Who knows. What I do know is that the women who’ve approached me in this way definitely knew about me and continued to be involved with my- excuse me, I mean our boyfriend. They would attempt to follow/stalk me on social media, watch my stories weekly, if not daily just to see about me, to learn about who I was and possibly to see his involvement or lack thereof in my life. I knew that at the point of the “confession” she had been fed up with how things were going for her in the situation she involved herself in. I knew that she was very okay with being shady until it inconvenienced her wants and needs. I knew that she wanted to blow up my world by giving me information about our boyfriend because she was hurt and hurt people tend to hurt other people too. Lastly, I knew that she would not take any accountability for her actions in any of it.

You Can Have a Piece of My Love…

Truth is, I could have responded to these women in a variety of unpleasant ways. These women don’t know me or where I come from. Dropping a statement like that and then exiting the chat can be dangerous. I have seen one too many episodes of Snapped, and Dateline NBC where similar situations ended in tragedy for all involved. None of what was done to me, behind my back and in front of my face was okay. However, other women who I do not know personally are not expected to be loyal toward me, nor my then-significant other. Their loyalty is to themselves, and rightfully so. It is not the other woman’s responsibility to safe-guard my relationship. It was my partners. He didn’t show value or respect toward me, so why should she? As messed up as it sounds, I get it from that angle. So, to the girl(s) who have ever “just thought I should know,” I want you to know a few things too. First, I want you to know that I am sorry that you were hurt and that because you were hurt, you felt the need to hurt me too. If being in a committed relationship is what you desire, you deserve to be loved out loud in public and not in stolen moments or in the shadows, or on the weekends when I’m out of town. You deserve to be loved by the whole person and not just a piece of what they are willing to offer you due to their own selfish desires to have someone else and you too. You shouldn’t have to share your person with anyone else (unless you’re into polyamory and don’t mind that kind of thing). You deserve to be in a trusting relationship, where you sleep easy at night knowing that you don’t have to second-guess what/who the other person is doing when they aren’t around, or when they haven’t answered your calls/text. You deserve someone who will cherish every part of you, even the not-so-good parts. I truly wish that kind of peace and stability in relationships for you, even after you had played an active part in making that unachievable for me at the time. That’s all the energy I have for you sis.

It Wasn’t Me…

I can’t speak for all of the men in the universe who’ve cheated, but I can share real life conversations I’ve had with the culprits themselves. About a month ago, I met a stranger at the bank. I had caught him at a time where he was extremely frustrated with how his day had gone. As we began to talk, he started to open up to me about his personal life. Mid-sentence into his frustration-rant he said “See that’s why I cheat on my wife! She just doesn’t understand me!!” It was like a record scratched in my mind. He saw my facial expression switch from understanding to pure concern with the infamous Druski “What do you mean by that?” look and then proceeded to say “She just doesn’t understand how to handle me. I’m a Pisces, she just doesn’t understand me.” I wish I was making this up, but I have the recording to prove it. I began to talk to him more about why he felt the need to cheat. It honestly boiled down to frustration. Frustration on the job, frustration at home and frustration with being a Black man in society. He wanted to find a safe space. A space that would comfort him instead of nag him, that would hold him instead of push him away and that would hear his thoughts without judgement. He just wanted peace. Sounds simple-Am I right fellas? WRONG. You ever notice it’s always the ones who actually caused the hateration and holleration in the dancery themselves, screaming for peace??

That’s another Ted Talk for another day.

I listened as this man took absolutely no accountability for his actions. In fact, he proudly justified them. A couple weeks later, I was in the salon getting my hair braided. The topic of cheating came up and it instantly became WWlll in that joint. One man said he cheated on his girl because he loved her. Come again?! Another man said, “men don’t really be getting hoes like women think they do so if a shorty comes around and is paying the man some attention, it could be a once in a lifetime opportunity to see how it turns out, even if he has a girl.” Interesting. Another man said he lies to his girl because he values her feelings. He “tells the truth to the hoes because he doesn’t care how they feel about it.” Genius. Again, I listened to these men take no accountability for their actions. I asked some of the men if they’d ever been caught. The room filled with a resounding “Yes!!” So what did these men do to get out of it?? That’s right. You guessed it. THEY LIED. They told their girl it wasn’t true, that they never met that girl before in their life, better yet, they swore on they great granny’s grave that she was trippin, that the other girl was a hater, that their phone really did die that night, etc. There was no surprise that they got away with it at least once using one of those pathetic lines. And don’t get me started on the co-signing of the lying best friend. These are just a few of the crazy stories I’ve heard over the years. This is the mentality behind many relationships. The gaslighting, the manipulation, the lies. All under the guise of protecting the interests of the one they really “love.” It’s giving Kevin Hart. Yikes. Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by one or more of these lines. This is a safe space love. I’ve been there too.

Love Should Have Brought You Home…

If I had a dollar for every time I heard a man say he loved his girl even while actively cheating on her, I would be rich enough to quit my part-time job. I’ve personally been told I was loved over and over again all while being done dirty behind the scenes. I used to be so confused when I heard that line. How could you possibly love someone you are actively hurting? From what I’ve learned and have always heard, men are able to separate sex from feelings… most of the time. A guy could really be in a whole relationship, have sex with other women and it just be that. No feelings, no attachments, just sex. The concept blows my mind. There’s so much simplicity to the thought process that men go through and it’s high key terrifying. Like my guy, what about the possibility of getting someone else pregnant, contracting an STI and passing it along to your partner, or the other person blowing up your entire world, destroying your family and all you claim to love??? Again, these kinds of fatal cases actually happen in real life. I guess men don’t think that far ahead. It’s the high stocks of audacity that men be carrying around in bundles. It gives them the super strength to make them feel extremely invincible to any of the consequences that come with their actions. I am sorry to put this out there fellas, but contrary to very extremely popular belief, if you are actively cheating on your girl, putting her feelings, emotions and physical health on the backburner so you can be out with the “hoes,” you may “love” her but you don’t respect her, nor value her, nor are you protecting her or your situation the way it needs to be, and if that’s the kind of love you putting out there, you can keep it. I put that on your great granny’s grave dawg.

I Just Need Time to See Where I Wanna Be…

Let’s be honest here. The real beef is between me and the one person who was actually supposed to care. I believe my previous partners were at a cross-roads between commitment and single life. We were and still are really young. Being locked into something so serious when you’re young and unsure about life in general can be pretty terrifying. I get it. That’s very valid. However, instead of making the executive decision to call things off, the audacity chip in the back of the man’s brain sparks the idea of wanting to have the best of both worlds. A partner who’s down and committed but also the urge to tease the idea of being with another person who finds them attractive enough to sleep with but not to “commit” to. I guess if you could effectively have your cake and eat it too, why wouldn’t you? The problem is, it may work for a while, but it’s not a permanent fix. This is a clear sign of immaturity and selfishness with a complete lack of regard for the people who get hurt in the process of “figuring” out where you want to be at that point and time in life.

Don’t Hurt Yourself…

I have had the opportunity to speak with my previous partners in this current season of my life. These conversations have been hard and sobering. For the first time in a long time, I have been able to hear the perspective from someone who’s really hurt me and to express the extent to which their actions had impacted me in my own journey. Although these conversations don’t excuse the behaviors, and the destruction they’ve caused, it definitely has given more context to our histories together and areas where things slipped through the cracks on all parts. The bottom line is that the person wasn’t ready. There was nothing I could’ve done or said to change that. If someone isn’t ready to commit, they just aren’t. You can’t force it and you shouldn’t have to. It’s a process that takes growing up and some people just aren’t there yet. Maybe they never will be. It’s above you now. It is the responsibility of the people who are in a relationship to protect the relationship, no one else’s. When one person falls short of that responsibility, it leaves the door open for anything and anyone to come in-between them. I was taken for granted. I was disrespected, and I was treated less than what I deserved. I was left exposed in the middle of someone trying to figure out if they wanted to be with me or in the streets. As a result of his uncertainty, I placed my own worth and value in his line of terrible decision-making. Such a dangerous place to put someone in and an even more dangerous place to be.

Ring The Alarm, I’ve Been Through This Too Long…

I wouldn’t say all of these things without taking a look at my own tenure through relationship Clown College. I pretty much majored in “give me one more chance,” and graduated with high honors. I wish I could tell you that I handled these situations with the utmost class and dignity (maybe to some of my friends/family I did) but that would be a lie. Honestly, nobody is that well adjusted. The thing is, I am only human. I have real life feelings and emotions and just like anyone else, I have things going on that people have no idea about. It’s like you could be minding your business and someone comes out of nowhere to hurt you. The one person who was supposed to protect our love, completely disregarded it. All of the history, the good times, the pain, the loss. Completely ignored for the sake of selfish desires. There’s a lot of words and phrases I could use to describe how I feel about it but the main feeling is betrayal. It’s hard opening yourself up to someone, finally being able to trust and then having your entire life blown up by disloyalty. It’s heartbreaking. It leaves you in a space feeling like you can’t trust the shoes on your feet to stay on when you start walking.

There were a lot of red flags that I chose to ignore or move past in my previous relationships for the sake of longevity with the person, being in love and wanting to be loved back. I allowed myself to be embarrassed time and time again because I really believed that this time would be different–and the next time, and the next time (okay but this is the last time…) It’s giving Rasheeda and Kirk. Yikes. I struggled a lot with letting go. I would think to myself, these women have absolutely no idea what I’ve been through with this man. Why would they be okay with something like this? I ain’t did nothing to this girl and here she is wrecking my situation and what I got going on. But as I’ve described earlier, it’s not up to the outside person to care about your relationship. I mean, you’d expect people to be decent human beings and treat others like they’d want to be treated overall, but that’s not always realistic as we know. Anyways, I just had this intrinsic belief that people could change and that if I loved them hard enough- if I showed them that I was worth fighting for, then maybe, just maybe they would find it in their hearts to love me the way that I was supposed to be loved.

She Said Don’t Break My Heart…

By now, I know some of you are reading this like “SIS. Why didn’t you just leave?!?” or potentially some other crazy remark about my foolish ways. I feel that whole heartily. I really do. However, being cheated on does something ill to your psyche. It had me questioning my self worth, my body image and more than anything it had me doubting my intuition. I wondered all the time if I was worth it or if I was asking for too much. I was constantly comparing myself to other women- their looks, accomplishments, social status. I kept thinking that if I could just change little parts of me to accommodate my partner’s needs, he wouldn’t have to look elsewhere. If I could just channel my inner Chaka Khan and be every woman, I would be enough, right? I was so lost y’all. The tears are starting to well up in my eyes as I write this out. There were so many times when I knew in my gut that something was off but out of fear or exhaustion of facing the same harsh reality, I would try my best to let it go. But I never really let it go. The feeling was always with me, even in the so-called “good” times. I tried many times to advocate for myself. To plead my case for how I was feeling. It was typically met with nonchalant energy, maybe an apology and a promise for changed behavior that would start, but would never be consistent. As I struggled through relationship, I imagined the nameless, faceless women behind their phone screens looking at my life, wanting to be where I was. Looking at me do my best fake smile on social media, desiring to know what it felt like to be next to him. They had no idea how depressed I was. I was suffering internally. I was so insecure, sad and I was lonely–all while having someone right next to me. I wish they could’ve seen how far I had gone, how worthless I felt. Maybe it would’ve prevented them from making the same mistakes I had. I think in a way, they were able to get a taste of my reality the moment they hit send on that “I just think you should know…” message. That’s when I think they could’ve realized that they had gone too far, that they had let someone take them so far outside of themselves that it led to pure rage, taking it out any and everyone in their path for the sake of justice for the injustice THEY had committed against ME. So in a way, maybe they did understand what it was like to be me at the time. To have an out of body experience. Even if for just a moment. Who knows.

You’re A Dime + Ninety-Nine…

What I do know now that I should’ve known then is that I NEVER have to beg or convince someone to love me or to treat me like a decent human being. I know that it is better to be by myself than miserable with someone else for the sake of history, or for appearances. I now know that I was not asking for too much. I know that relationships and being in love is cool, but it’s not the end all, be all. I know that I am not difficult to love. I know that my worth is not tied up in how people treat me, whether good or bad. My identity is found deep in God. I know that I will not let the actions of people whose intentions are to hurt me, win. I know that I may be broken, but I am whole. I know that I am deserving of a love that I don’t have to question. I am deserving of a love that I can trust. I am worthy of full commitment in relationships, and I do not have to settle for anything less. So if that means I have to wait a little longer, I’ll take a number and keep living my life. I. Am. Enough. Always have been, and always will be. So in conclusion, if you ever catch me in these streets fighting over anything, it will be over maintaining my peace, and my healing BUT never, ever, ever over somebody’s crusty son caught up with someone else’s dusty daughter.

Yours in Authenticity,


This Little Light Still Shines: A Year in Review

It’s been one year since I started my blog. If you’re wondering what I’ve been up to since my writing hiatus… Well, summer all I did was de-stress, okay? And New Years in Vegas was blessed, okay? And Galentines Day was the best, okay? Keep reading for what happens next… Okay?

Song Inspo: What’s Next x Drake

1 Year Down, Many More to Go

One year ago today, I published my first blog post for This little light of London. For 11 weeks after, I spent each Saturday waking up early to pray, do my devotions and then create my blog posts for you to enjoy. This blog has created a space for me to express myself intentionally, authentically and with confidence as I laughed, cried and reflected on my own journey through life. In June 2020, I had a horrific hospital experience that forced me to take a writing break in order to focus on my physical and mental health. After recovering from that situation, I honestly lost my motivation to keep writing. I had put a lot of pressure on myself to write each week that blogging became more of a task than a form of self-care. Thankfully, I have learned that sometimes even good things require breaks too. Stepping away from my blog for a while gave me the opportunity to practice recognizing and honoring the signals that my body gives off that tell me when I am doing the absolute most which calls for me to slow down.

So much has happened since I last wrote! I truly spent the rest of the summer between June and August practicing self-care amidst the ongoing pandemic. I took the time to focus on myself and what I really valued about the woman I was becoming. I spent time in prayer and devotions daily and I tapped in to my relationship with God. I wanted to share some highlights of my experience this past year because it has truly been a year of learning, growth and blessings!

In September I was nominated for and won a distinguished award at my part-time job in recognition of my efforts to support the students within our organization. During the weekend of the virtual award ceremony, I was also able to reconnect with one of my childhood friends as we went on a road trip to see our other childhood friend get married. It was great time of celebration, reflection and honest conversations.

In October I made a commitment to changing my physical health. I started going to the gym 3 times a week. I made the conscious choice to remain consistent and although progress started off slow, I can visibly see the change in my body for the better. Going to the gym consistently has taught me to be more disciplined, challenged me to go a little harder to achieve my body goals, and has given me more motivation with an extra boost of confidence. I am proud of the progress that I have made so far and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon!

Two major things happened in November: I bought a new car! I tried my hardest to hold on to my 2010 Jeep Compass, but after having it for 4 years and spending over $3,000 in repairs during this previous summer alone, it was definitely time to move on! I moved up a little in the world and was able to buy a 2017 Chevy Trax with no co-signer and only 13,000 miles! I even got a custom license plate (much to my best friend Hillary’s disapproval). I also went on an encouragement campaign for my friends and family. I reached out via social media to see if anyone needed any extra encouragement or wanted to receive some positive words through the mail. After gathering the responses, I spent a couple of hours in Target picking out cards for each individual who responded. I handwrote them each notes of encouragement and mailed them the following weekend. It was my way of sharing how much they meant to me in my life and the lives of others around them.

On the job front, I became more restless within my position at the high school where I worked. Teaching students during a pandemic was probably one of the most challenging things that I have ever done. I watched my students disconnect and become more weary as each day went. On top of that, admin within the school continued to create a toxic, culturally incompetent atmosphere for students and employees and it became unbearable. I felt like it was time to make a change, but wasn’t sure how to proceed. Last year, after experiencing major heartbreak and disappointment, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t make any future moves until I asked God about it first and got confirmation on how to proceed. So, I prayed about it and trusted the waiting process although it was extremely hard. I applied for a position with an organization that I had wanted to work at since graduating from undergrad. I applied for the position in November, but grew anxious when I did not hear back from them until mid-January. I am constantly reminded every single time that what God has promised me is always worth the wait. Three interview rounds later, on February 22nd, I was offered the position, moving me into a $20,000 increase, great health benefits, a generous PTO package and an opportunity to expand professionally and personally! I recently celebrated one month at my new job and although vastly different from the work I had been previously doing, I have enjoyed my experience and look forward to so much more.

In December, I celebrated my best friend Monti’s 28th birthday. This was the first time in 5 years that we had been able to fully celebrate her birthday together, so I put my birthday fairy skills to the test and had the most amazing time celebrating her and the wonderful woman that she is. It was on my heart to create care packages for those in my community experiencing homelessness so together with my boyfriend and his mom, we packaged up 80 mini care kits and 80 lunch bags. We spent the day riding around the city passing out what we had until it was gone. It truly was one of the most rewarding experiences that I will never forget and I plan to do it again in the future. I also took a trip to Vegas with my love to bring in the New Year. It was the first time I had been there and even in the middle of a pandemic, it did not disappoint!

In January, I decided to go on a 21 day fast for spiritual reasons. I wanted more clarity and a sense of discipline. It proved to be one of the best ways to start off the year! I felt more in tune with God and a better sense of self. February was an eventful month! I celebrated Galentine’s Day with my girlfriends, Valentines Day with my bf, and family birthdays. I was offered the position for my new job in February which of course called for celebration with my girls!

My older sister is in the Air Force and was scheduled to deploy to Afghanistan for 6 months in mid March. So in early March, I spent a week in San Antonio where I was able to spend some quality time with my family before her deployment. I even got a matching tattoo with my sister to represent our bond! I started my new job the day after returning from San Antonio and have been on the go ever since!

In April, the plan is to catch my breath! It has been one of the most eventful years of my life! My favorite moments within this season has been the genuine quality time spent with my loved ones. I have been able to safely celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, accomplishments, girls nights and major milestones with those I hold close to my heart. I am grateful beyond what words can explain!

Next month, I will be celebrating my 27th birthday. Time truly flies! Some of my major goals this year revolve around seeking God daily through prayer and devotions, continuing to make my health a priority and spending more time with family and friends as safely as possible.

It’s been one whirlwind of a year for me! A year wrapped up in many triumphs, challenges and waiting periods. I would love to hear about some of the highlights within your year so far!

Yours Always in Authenticity,


(Im)Perfect 10

I’m a recovering undercover over-loving, people-pleasing perfectionist.

Song inspiration: Reachin’ 2 Much x Anderson.Paak ft. Lalah Hathaway

Passing notes was a favorite pastime of mine when I was younger. I didn’t have a cellphone until my sophomore year of high school so you can imagine I did a lot of note passing back in my day. I just recently threw away all the notes I had saved from middle/high school after watching this one episode of hoarders that changed my life (but I digress) I was in the 7th grade when I received a note in the hallway from my crush/school boyfriend. I excitedly opened it in my 3rd period class. It was a letter written in the form of a poem entitled “My Sexy Perfectionist.” Now, I know what you’re thinking: What in the hell does a 7th grade boy know about what it is to be sexy?!? I definitely agree. I was nowhere near sexy at that age but a young boy can dream I guess. I will never forget this note for many reasons, but most importantly, it was the first time in my life I had ever been called a perfectionist. I had absolutely no idea what that word meant. But shout out to homeboy; he may not have known what it was to be sexy at that young age, but he was able to identify a character flaw in me that would permeate my life for years to come.

I am the youngest of six siblings and quite frankly I believe this is why I am a very visual learner. I had so many examples of what to do and what not to do in the eyes of my parent’s approval. I definitely didn’t have to touch the stove to know that it was hot (thanks to my sister Amber) I tried my very best to be under the good graces of my parents. I was a pretty solid rule follower, I liked to help my mom with chores around the house and I did really well in school. My dad has only had to yell at me one time in my life and I still feel like it was super unwarranted (but go off Eldridge) I was always the teacher’s helper and tried my best to be an exemplar student in the class. I would like to say I was the perfect kid, but we all know I’d be stretching the truth just a little bit.

I thought I had figured out a major life cheat code. Just follow the rules, learn from other people’s mistakes and do things differently… Duh!! Me and my bright ideas. What I was actually doing was placing such a heavy burden of perfectionism on myself at a very early age. I was committed to living a life of acceptance instead of authenticity. I was so stuck on doing the right thing at all times that when I had a human lapse of judgement, there was really no need for my parents to punish me because I would punish myself with self-loathing and despair (on top of actual punishment) Every time I felt like I disappointed my parents or teachers, I would vow to go above and beyond the next time to prove myself worthy of their love and forgiveness. In reality, it was never that deep, but my little mind couldn’t comprehend that. So not only did I strive to do every single thing with perfection, I added people-pleasing to the mix which is a dangerous concoction.

If you looked up the definition of doing too much, you’d see my picture right there with a goofy ass smile. I kid you not. I went so hard in everything that I mistook perfectionism for authentic ambition.

This mindset impacted every aspect of my life. In my educational journey, I prided myself on being academically disciplined (besides that one relapse when I almost failed the 3rd grade) When I didn’t catch on to a concept as quick as I’d like to, I’d feel like there was something wrong with me or the way that I learned. I didn’t want to be seen as incompetent in the eyes of my peers. In my personal life, I pushed myself to live up to the expectations of my family and friends. I held myself to unrealistic standards that the people around me could not and would not adhere to because they weren’t necessary. When I would do something to disappoint family or friends, I’d think of any way possible to get back in their good graces; I’d bend over backwards to prove my love and loyalty. So it constantly felt like I was giving more than I was receiving.

Unfortunately, In my love life I actually grew up to be that “Sexy Perfectionist” my 7th grade crush was talking about. I looked real good on the outside but was full of shit on the inside. You couldn’t tell me anything in opposition to what my intention was. I always went above and beyond to make sure that I was the perfect girlfriend. I learned the hard way that you don’t get a Nobel Peace Prize for simply not cheating (who knew?) I had a lot of messed up character traits that would be enough to make any guy that pursued me run in the opposite direction. When confronted with constructive criticism by my significant other, I would become stoic and hard hearted. It was hard for me to hear anything negative because I knew the major effort that I put into each endeavor so if it was misread, then clearly it wasn’t my problem, it was theirs. So eventually, my significant others would just stop telling me when I made them feel some type of way while I made sure to point out every single flaw of theirs. As you can imagine, that did not go over so well in the relationship retention department. In my career, it was hard when I worked really hard on something and felt like it wasn’t acknowledged or appreciated the way that I felt it should be. In my faith, I felt like I had to be perfect to come to God and ask for help. So a lot of the time, I tried doing things on my own because I didn’t think I was worthy of receiving grace. Perfectionism/People-pleasing was kicking my ass.

Again, I am thankful for therapy and for God placing loved ones in my life who were able to help me push past many of these isms. So as I sit here in my living room, writing to those who will read but also to myself, I am reminded that it is okay to be human. It is okay to miss the mark. We can give ourselves grace and room to grow. I used to seek approval of others, desiring to be the perfect 10-whatever that is. Instead, I try to follow a list of Imperfect 10’s (things I work on while giving myself tons of grace to miss the mark) to help me become someone I can be proud of.

London’s List of Imperfect 10’s

  1. Accountability: I try my best each day to take responsibility for my words and actions. I am willing to allow others to hold me accountable without using self-loathing as a defense mechanism when I go against my word or my actions in ways that can be harmful to my boundaries and others around me
  2. Boundaries: I practice creating healthy boundaries within myself and those around me. I practice saying no. I am willing to have conversations about what I will and will not allow and understand that although I cannot control who will or will not adhere to my boundaries, I will stand firm in my commitment to protecting my heart, time, space and energy
  3. Forgiveness: I remind myself daily that just as much as I make mistakes and mess up, others do as well because we are humans-flawed and imperfect. We are all facing our own battles and situations. I practice daily the ability to forgive and show grace to those who have hurt me because I want to be forgiven too
  4. Humility: I wake up each day with the understanding that I do not know it all. I am capable of learning new things and gaining new perspectives until my time on earth is done. There will never be a time where I am a proclaimed “expert,” of life and I am okay with that
  5. Courage: I want to live life without fear as much as possible by examining why something scares and and formulating ways to overcome fear with help from God, family and friends
  6. Integrity: I strive to do the right thing even when there’s no audience or reward to acknowledge my efforts. I want my life to leave behind traces of authenticity, respect and honest ambition
  7. Vision: I never want to stop dreaming. I pray for my purpose to shine through me daily and that new ideas to spring up in me. I don’t want to be discouraged or take rejection so hard when doors/opportunities don’t happen. Instead I hope to be rerouted and wait in excitement for the next window of opportunity to come
  8. Love: I truly believe that love conquers all and if I approach people and situations in my life with love at the forefront, I am off to a good start
  9. Gratitude: Each day I start off with words of thankfulness to God for my life, for new opportunities and for another chance to impact those around me. I even created a gratitude jar where I write down things I am thankful for and open them after 6 months to a year to remind myself that no matter what, there are things I can be grateful for
  10. Patience: I used to want to rush certain processes and now I try my best to go with the flow, trusting that what’s for me is for me and nothing and no one can stop me from receiving what’s truly mine. I strive to get through things, allowing myself to feel and acknowledge each emotion instead of getting over things through avoidance and stoic expressions

I truly believe that many, if not all of the good/bad experiences that we go through are not only for the benefit of ourselves but for others as well. That’s why I do my best to be as open and honest in this blog. As painful and embarrassing as it was to go through these things, I get so much joy in the feeling of release and reflection on how far I’ve come. I hope my words are received with as much love and encouragement as I write them in.

I’d love to hear your thoughts! What’s a character flaw you’ve overcome or are still working on overcoming? Feel free to comment below!

Yours in Authenticity,


An Ode to Self-Care

self-care /ˌselfˈker/

The practice of taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health. The practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress

Song Inspiration: Cranes in the Sky x Solange

So we’re going through a global pandemic, constant reminders that our nation has a long way to go in achieving true social justice, the severity of climate change, and a resurgence of sexual assault experiences and allegations being shared across almost all social media platforms. YIKES is an understatement. I wanted to do a quick but meaningful check-in on the current status of our mental health because I consider y’all my family and I care about you! The issues that we see unfolding around us are extremely important, and require our attention, but I also think it’s important to know when to step back and take some time to replenish yourself. I just want to take a moment to talk about the importance of self-care, especially through stressful situations.

I started my self-care journey on February 14th, 2019. Prior to that, I was struggling, BAD. I had graduated from an accelerated master’s degree program the summer of 2018 and started working two jobs during that fall. By September of 2018, I was waking up at 6 am to start my full-time job from 7:30 am to 4:00 pm and then picking back up with my part-time job from 4:30 pm until 9:30 pm during the weekday and a few hours on the weekend. I was working a total of 70 hours a week. While balancing my work load, I tried my best to keep up with my relationship, friends and family while struggling to take care of myself. I began to distance myself not only because of my crazy work schedule, but also because of the internal battle I was having with myself about how to utilize my free time when I actually had free time. I wanted to spend time with family and friends but my body was physically tired and my mental state was crumbling slowly but surely. Although I tried my best to mask how I was feeling on the inside when I did choose to spend my free time with my significant other, family or my friends, I felt like I was the furthest thing from a joy to be around. It felt like I was a walking zombie, like I was drowning in broad daylight and nobody could see. At the same time, I was afraid to talk to my friends and family about what I was experiencing because I felt like they had other things going on and didn’t want to add the “burden” of my problems on them.

I went into overdrive and my energy would spiral from being really happy and feeling good about life to really sad and frustrated with what was happening around me. It took a major toll on the relationship with my significant other. It felt like we were walking on eggshells with one another each time we were together and eventually we started seeing less of each other. With unaddressed mental and physical health concerns, daily life struggles with work and school and a stack of other issues that were lost in that black hole, our relationship was torn apart. In that moment I felt like I had lost control of everything. I thought I was doing my best to multi-task and stay balanced within my jobs, and in turn I was neglecting eating and sleeping. I thought I was trying my best to keep up with my family and friends but I would find that I was going weeks, even months without initiating an interaction and if I heard from family and friends, I would cut the conversation short.

After getting to a point of true helplessness, I decided to take the first step of getting my life back on track. I researched personal counseling offices and made my first appointment. It was a brave first step, and after a little over a year, I can honestly say that it was the best decision I could have ever made for my life. Now don’t get me wrong, therapy is not an easy process and it definitely was not fun digging deep into the aspects of my life that I had buried, never to be uncovered again. It changed my outlook on a lot of the experiences I’ve had in in life and it helped me gain a sense of strength and confidence that was missing. I have been able to be at peace with my past and have gained a sense of hope for my future.I have restored relationships with my family and friends and I have changed the way that I approach the work that I do. Therapy opened up a new avenue of my life that encouraged self-care at all costs and I am so thankful. Unfortunately, all good things eventually come to an end. Although my time in therapy was extremely life-changing and I enjoyed the experience, I had my last therapy session at the end of May. I didn’t view it as an ending, but as a beginning of a new, healthy chapter of my life.

As awesome as I believe therapy is, I understand that this isn’t a reality for many people. I would like to share some self-care activities with little to no cost that helped me practice consistency with loving myself and taking care of my needs, even in the midst of trying times.

  • Creating a self-care check-list: First and foremost, check-in with yourself!! Make sure you are prioritizing your mental and physical health by checking off some basic boxes like eating, drinking water, sleeping and bathing. Then prioritize your list by what you need in that particular moment
  • Sleeping: Finding a good sleeping schedule, especially with my workload has been helpful. there are times when I feel like I am missing out because I need rest, but I remind myself that in order to be my best self, I need to show my body kindness and let it rest
  • Keeping up with your meds: If you take medicine routinely, set an alarm to ensure that you’re taking your meds on time and when you’re supposed to. I recently started taking vitamins and it holds me accountable to eating because I have to take the vitamin with a meal
  • Setting healthy boundaries with others: As you’re processing your emotions and feelings, take time to set boundaries with others. Don’t waste time arguing with an internet troll, or feel like you have to educate the entire Facebook platform on racial bias. It’s okay to say NO! Be honest about your energy levels when others ask you to participate in activities and be mindful that it you are not obligated to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or crosses your line of security.
  • Showers/baths: Showers are one of my favorite ways to practice self-care! You can turn up the music and have a private concert, try a new skin care routine or a new shampoo. I have natural hair so I make shower time on wash days an entire event! Baths are always nice for total relaxation. Dim the lights, put on your favorite movie/show, grab a book to read or listen to some music.
  • Talking to God/reading my Bible: Those who know me, know that my faith is a huge part of my life. I have spent each day for the past 8 weeks taking the time to pray, meditate and read. It has given me such a better outlook on my life and a sense of calmness that I just can’t explain.
  • Journal/Blog/read: If writing is your thing, try journaling your thoughts/feelings day to day or week to week. In my quiet time, I like to journal my thoughts. If reading is your thing, try finding a virtual book club to connect with people across the country who have a shared love for books. I recently started this blog as a form of self-care and keeping up with it has been the best!
  • Cooking: I love to try new recipes! I search Pinterest, Twitter and other food blogging sites to try new foods and dishes. Doing this allows me to take healthy risks and it reminds me that it is okay to make mistakes and to start over.
  • Cleaning: This may sound weird but cleaning/organizing is a form of relaxation for me! I get such a satisfying feeling from seeing the before and after images of the cleaning projects that I do
  • Painting: I am not so good at it, but that doesn’t stop me from trying! I love doing Painting with a Twist. It is calming to watch it all come together
  • Exercising: I love yoga and cycling! Go for a walk! If you can get outside and get active, do it! It’s getting warmer out which makes this experience that much more enjoyable
  • Listening to Music: Music has a way of connecting us as a whole and reaching us in more ways than one. I am always down to be put on to new music and to share with others
  • Spend time with family/friends: Block out some time for positive human interaction! My friends love me and understand me so it is always nice being around people who love you and have your best interest at heart. You’re then able to drop your shoulders and truly relax!
  • Limit your screen time: This one is pretty tricky to do since for the last few months we were on a stay at home order. Although it is important to make sure you’re up to date on current events, make sure to take time away from your social media handles and news outlets.

I know that times are hard. I am here to encourage you to keep your head up. If getting out of the bed each morning is a victory step for you, celebrate that! Take it one day at a time. I’m rooting for you, wherever you are. We’ll get through this together. With that being said, check in with me! How you feelin? What are you doing to address your needs? I’d love to hear your thoughts on self-care during this time and how we can support each other!

Yours in Authenticity,