Category: Life

The Other Side of The Game

In the millennial dating system, treacherous based offenses are considered extremely heinous. In Detroit city, there’s a dedicated woman who seeks to find peace and healing in spaces where relational chaos ensues. This is her story. *Dun Dun*

Hold me down x Daniel Caesar

Barbara, this is Shirley…

It’s a couple days before your big event, the night out with your friends, or the date night you’ve been anticipating for a while. You’ve got every single detail figured out. All you need is the right hairstyle. You’ve taken your previous hairstyle down, prepped your hair for it to be re-beautified and are excited for your upcoming appointment. The day of your hair appointment, maybe even moments before it’s supposed to start, you get that infamous “Hey boo…” text from your hairdresser. INSTANT PTSD. We all know the conversation that follows this phrase. It’s either an ask for you to push your appointment back a few more hours, day(s) or *bonus points* none of the above. Your appointment is just canceled. No warning. No remorse and no sign of re-booking somewhere else at the last minute. Disappointing? Yes. But hey, it happens to the best of us. There’s another message category that I have come to loathe with everything in me. It’s the ever-provoking “Hey girl, I just think you should know…” message. Again, INSTANT PTSD. These kinds of “Woman to Woman” texts are usually followed by statements and/or evidence detailing extremely shady actions done by a significant other–either with the person messaging or with someone they know. I hate to admit it, but I’ve received this kind of message in previous relationships one too many times.

So what’s the big deal about cheating? I mean honestly, even Beyoncé was cheated on and it’s BEYONCE for goodness sakes!! Is it fair to say that everyone cheats and it’s just something we have to endure in relationships? We all know someone who’s cheated or whose played the side role once before. It could be you reading this who’s in the middle of an entanglement now! If we haven’t personally lived these kinds of experiences, we definitely know of them. The reality is that cheating is not a just a millennial issue; It’s a human issue–no matter the race, age, socioeconomic status, sexual preference or generation. So why do people do it? What makes people step outside of their relationships? Disclaimer: I can’t tell you that I have all the answers, or even the right ones for that matter because everyone’s situation is different and the motives change. I can however, tell you some things that I’ve learned along the way through my own personal experience.

My Man is My Man, is Your Man Heard it’s Her Man too…

Okay, so boom. I had received the “hey, I just think you should know…” message. What followed was a short statement about the sexual involvement of my then significant other and the woman on the other end of my phone. It was like one of those BET original movie “Yep, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I got here,” moments. All that I could remember thinking was what did he do to make homegirl THIS mad?! She had to be extremely pissed off if she’d be willing to tell on him AND herself cause that’s like the number one rule of cheating right?! Like DO NOT tell the other person’s partner that they’re actively cheating and with you of all people!! Sadly, this isn’t my first rodeo. It’s typically been the same routine in my neck of the woods. Girl meets boy, boy has girlfriend, girl sticks around to see how dedicated boy is to girlfriend. Boy makes a move in which girl justifies her actions by placing fault on the boy who has the girlfriend. Girl ends up falling for boy, then gets upset when boy doesn’t leave girlfriend. Girl opens up and confronts girlfriend to expose the boy for the trash that he truly is and then walks away… or girl sticks around to see if she’ll finally have an honest shot at being with said boy. What a great love origin story. How did you and your partner meet?? Oh, we met while he was with another woman. We fooled around and fell in love and the rest is history! It’s giving Alicia Keys. Yikes.

It’s Not Right, But It’s Okay…

I used to wonder what the main objective was. Like were we supposed to join forces and set the man up because homegirl’s feelings got hurt? Kinda like what happened to Ty Dolla $ign when he saw two of his women in the club? Or are we expected to be like “The Boy is Mine” and fight over him Monica and Brandy style?? Maybe we were supposed to be beefed out like 3rd and 4th baby mommas and do the dramatic Summer Walker slide down the nearest wall??? Who knows. What I do know is that the women who’ve approached me in this way definitely knew about me and continued to be involved with my- excuse me, I mean our boyfriend. They would attempt to follow/stalk me on social media, watch my stories weekly, if not daily just to see about me, to learn about who I was and possibly to see his involvement or lack thereof in my life. I knew that at the point of the “confession” she had been fed up with how things were going for her in the situation she involved herself in. I knew that she was very okay with being shady until it inconvenienced her wants and needs. I knew that she wanted to blow up my world by giving me information about our boyfriend because she was hurt and hurt people tend to hurt other people too. Lastly, I knew that she would not take any accountability for her actions in any of it.

You Can Have a Piece of My Love…

Truth is, I could have responded to these women in a variety of unpleasant ways. These women don’t know me or where I come from. Dropping a statement like that and then exiting the chat can be dangerous. I have seen one too many episodes of Snapped, and Dateline NBC where similar situations ended in tragedy for all involved. None of what was done to me, behind my back and in front of my face was okay. However, other women who I do not know personally are not expected to be loyal toward me, nor my then-significant other. Their loyalty is to themselves, and rightfully so. It is not the other woman’s responsibility to safe-guard my relationship. It was my partners. He didn’t show value or respect toward me, so why should she? As messed up as it sounds, I get it from that angle. So, to the girl(s) who have ever “just thought I should know,” I want you to know a few things too. First, I want you to know that I am sorry that you were hurt and that because you were hurt, you felt the need to hurt me too. If being in a committed relationship is what you desire, you deserve to be loved out loud in public and not in stolen moments or in the shadows, or on the weekends when I’m out of town. You deserve to be loved by the whole person and not just a piece of what they are willing to offer you due to their own selfish desires to have someone else and you too. You shouldn’t have to share your person with anyone else (unless you’re into polyamory and don’t mind that kind of thing). You deserve to be in a trusting relationship, where you sleep easy at night knowing that you don’t have to second-guess what/who the other person is doing when they aren’t around, or when they haven’t answered your calls/text. You deserve someone who will cherish every part of you, even the not-so-good parts. I truly wish that kind of peace and stability in relationships for you, even after you had played an active part in making that unachievable for me at the time. That’s all the energy I have for you sis.

It Wasn’t Me…

I can’t speak for all of the men in the universe who’ve cheated, but I can share real life conversations I’ve had with the culprits themselves. About a month ago, I met a stranger at the bank. I had caught him at a time where he was extremely frustrated with how his day had gone. As we began to talk, he started to open up to me about his personal life. Mid-sentence into his frustration-rant he said “See that’s why I cheat on my wife! She just doesn’t understand me!!” It was like a record scratched in my mind. He saw my facial expression switch from understanding to pure concern with the infamous Druski “What do you mean by that?” look and then proceeded to say “She just doesn’t understand how to handle me. I’m a Pisces, she just doesn’t understand me.” I wish I was making this up, but I have the recording to prove it. I began to talk to him more about why he felt the need to cheat. It honestly boiled down to frustration. Frustration on the job, frustration at home and frustration with being a Black man in society. He wanted to find a safe space. A space that would comfort him instead of nag him, that would hold him instead of push him away and that would hear his thoughts without judgement. He just wanted peace. Sounds simple-Am I right fellas? WRONG. You ever notice it’s always the ones who actually caused the hateration and holleration in the dancery themselves, screaming for peace??

That’s another Ted Talk for another day.

I listened as this man took absolutely no accountability for his actions. In fact, he proudly justified them. A couple weeks later, I was in the salon getting my hair braided. The topic of cheating came up and it instantly became WWlll in that joint. One man said he cheated on his girl because he loved her. Come again?! Another man said, “men don’t really be getting hoes like women think they do so if a shorty comes around and is paying the man some attention, it could be a once in a lifetime opportunity to see how it turns out, even if he has a girl.” Interesting. Another man said he lies to his girl because he values her feelings. He “tells the truth to the hoes because he doesn’t care how they feel about it.” Genius. Again, I listened to these men take no accountability for their actions. I asked some of the men if they’d ever been caught. The room filled with a resounding “Yes!!” So what did these men do to get out of it?? That’s right. You guessed it. THEY LIED. They told their girl it wasn’t true, that they never met that girl before in their life, better yet, they swore on they great granny’s grave that she was trippin, that the other girl was a hater, that their phone really did die that night, etc. There was no surprise that they got away with it at least once using one of those pathetic lines. And don’t get me started on the co-signing of the lying best friend. These are just a few of the crazy stories I’ve heard over the years. This is the mentality behind many relationships. The gaslighting, the manipulation, the lies. All under the guise of protecting the interests of the one they really “love.” It’s giving Kevin Hart. Yikes. Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by one or more of these lines. This is a safe space love. I’ve been there too.

Love Should Have Brought You Home…

If I had a dollar for every time I heard a man say he loved his girl even while actively cheating on her, I would be rich enough to quit my part-time job. I’ve personally been told I was loved over and over again all while being done dirty behind the scenes. I used to be so confused when I heard that line. How could you possibly love someone you are actively hurting? From what I’ve learned and have always heard, men are able to separate sex from feelings… most of the time. A guy could really be in a whole relationship, have sex with other women and it just be that. No feelings, no attachments, just sex. The concept blows my mind. There’s so much simplicity to the thought process that men go through and it’s high key terrifying. Like my guy, what about the possibility of getting someone else pregnant, contracting an STI and passing it along to your partner, or the other person blowing up your entire world, destroying your family and all you claim to love??? Again, these kinds of fatal cases actually happen in real life. I guess men don’t think that far ahead. It’s the high stocks of audacity that men be carrying around in bundles. It gives them the super strength to make them feel extremely invincible to any of the consequences that come with their actions. I am sorry to put this out there fellas, but contrary to very extremely popular belief, if you are actively cheating on your girl, putting her feelings, emotions and physical health on the backburner so you can be out with the “hoes,” you may “love” her but you don’t respect her, nor value her, nor are you protecting her or your situation the way it needs to be, and if that’s the kind of love you putting out there, you can keep it. I put that on your great granny’s grave dawg.

I Just Need Time to See Where I Wanna Be…

Let’s be honest here. The real beef is between me and the one person who was actually supposed to care. I believe my previous partners were at a cross-roads between commitment and single life. We were and still are really young. Being locked into something so serious when you’re young and unsure about life in general can be pretty terrifying. I get it. That’s very valid. However, instead of making the executive decision to call things off, the audacity chip in the back of the man’s brain sparks the idea of wanting to have the best of both worlds. A partner who’s down and committed but also the urge to tease the idea of being with another person who finds them attractive enough to sleep with but not to “commit” to. I guess if you could effectively have your cake and eat it too, why wouldn’t you? The problem is, it may work for a while, but it’s not a permanent fix. This is a clear sign of immaturity and selfishness with a complete lack of regard for the people who get hurt in the process of “figuring” out where you want to be at that point and time in life.

Don’t Hurt Yourself…

I have had the opportunity to speak with my previous partners in this current season of my life. These conversations have been hard and sobering. For the first time in a long time, I have been able to hear the perspective from someone who’s really hurt me and to express the extent to which their actions had impacted me in my own journey. Although these conversations don’t excuse the behaviors, and the destruction they’ve caused, it definitely has given more context to our histories together and areas where things slipped through the cracks on all parts. The bottom line is that the person wasn’t ready. There was nothing I could’ve done or said to change that. If someone isn’t ready to commit, they just aren’t. You can’t force it and you shouldn’t have to. It’s a process that takes growing up and some people just aren’t there yet. Maybe they never will be. It’s above you now. It is the responsibility of the people who are in a relationship to protect the relationship, no one else’s. When one person falls short of that responsibility, it leaves the door open for anything and anyone to come in-between them. I was taken for granted. I was disrespected, and I was treated less than what I deserved. I was left exposed in the middle of someone trying to figure out if they wanted to be with me or in the streets. As a result of his uncertainty, I placed my own worth and value in his line of terrible decision-making. Such a dangerous place to put someone in and an even more dangerous place to be.

Ring The Alarm, I’ve Been Through This Too Long…

I wouldn’t say all of these things without taking a look at my own tenure through relationship Clown College. I pretty much majored in “give me one more chance,” and graduated with high honors. I wish I could tell you that I handled these situations with the utmost class and dignity (maybe to some of my friends/family I did) but that would be a lie. Honestly, nobody is that well adjusted. The thing is, I am only human. I have real life feelings and emotions and just like anyone else, I have things going on that people have no idea about. It’s like you could be minding your business and someone comes out of nowhere to hurt you. The one person who was supposed to protect our love, completely disregarded it. All of the history, the good times, the pain, the loss. Completely ignored for the sake of selfish desires. There’s a lot of words and phrases I could use to describe how I feel about it but the main feeling is betrayal. It’s hard opening yourself up to someone, finally being able to trust and then having your entire life blown up by disloyalty. It’s heartbreaking. It leaves you in a space feeling like you can’t trust the shoes on your feet to stay on when you start walking.

There were a lot of red flags that I chose to ignore or move past in my previous relationships for the sake of longevity with the person, being in love and wanting to be loved back. I allowed myself to be embarrassed time and time again because I really believed that this time would be different–and the next time, and the next time (okay but this is the last time…) It’s giving Rasheeda and Kirk. Yikes. I struggled a lot with letting go. I would think to myself, these women have absolutely no idea what I’ve been through with this man. Why would they be okay with something like this? I ain’t did nothing to this girl and here she is wrecking my situation and what I got going on. But as I’ve described earlier, it’s not up to the outside person to care about your relationship. I mean, you’d expect people to be decent human beings and treat others like they’d want to be treated overall, but that’s not always realistic as we know. Anyways, I just had this intrinsic belief that people could change and that if I loved them hard enough- if I showed them that I was worth fighting for, then maybe, just maybe they would find it in their hearts to love me the way that I was supposed to be loved.

She Said Don’t Break My Heart…

By now, I know some of you are reading this like “SIS. Why didn’t you just leave?!?” or potentially some other crazy remark about my foolish ways. I feel that whole heartily. I really do. However, being cheated on does something ill to your psyche. It had me questioning my self worth, my body image and more than anything it had me doubting my intuition. I wondered all the time if I was worth it or if I was asking for too much. I was constantly comparing myself to other women- their looks, accomplishments, social status. I kept thinking that if I could just change little parts of me to accommodate my partner’s needs, he wouldn’t have to look elsewhere. If I could just channel my inner Chaka Khan and be every woman, I would be enough, right? I was so lost y’all. The tears are starting to well up in my eyes as I write this out. There were so many times when I knew in my gut that something was off but out of fear or exhaustion of facing the same harsh reality, I would try my best to let it go. But I never really let it go. The feeling was always with me, even in the so-called “good” times. I tried many times to advocate for myself. To plead my case for how I was feeling. It was typically met with nonchalant energy, maybe an apology and a promise for changed behavior that would start, but would never be consistent. As I struggled through relationship, I imagined the nameless, faceless women behind their phone screens looking at my life, wanting to be where I was. Looking at me do my best fake smile on social media, desiring to know what it felt like to be next to him. They had no idea how depressed I was. I was suffering internally. I was so insecure, sad and I was lonely–all while having someone right next to me. I wish they could’ve seen how far I had gone, how worthless I felt. Maybe it would’ve prevented them from making the same mistakes I had. I think in a way, they were able to get a taste of my reality the moment they hit send on that “I just think you should know…” message. That’s when I think they could’ve realized that they had gone too far, that they had let someone take them so far outside of themselves that it led to pure rage, taking it out any and everyone in their path for the sake of justice for the injustice THEY had committed against ME. So in a way, maybe they did understand what it was like to be me at the time. To have an out of body experience. Even if for just a moment. Who knows.

You’re A Dime + Ninety-Nine…

What I do know now that I should’ve known then is that I NEVER have to beg or convince someone to love me or to treat me like a decent human being. I know that it is better to be by myself than miserable with someone else for the sake of history, or for appearances. I now know that I was not asking for too much. I know that relationships and being in love is cool, but it’s not the end all, be all. I know that I am not difficult to love. I know that my worth is not tied up in how people treat me, whether good or bad. My identity is found deep in God. I know that I will not let the actions of people whose intentions are to hurt me, win. I know that I may be broken, but I am whole. I know that I am deserving of a love that I don’t have to question. I am deserving of a love that I can trust. I am worthy of full commitment in relationships, and I do not have to settle for anything less. So if that means I have to wait a little longer, I’ll take a number and keep living my life. I. Am. Enough. Always have been, and always will be. So in conclusion, if you ever catch me in these streets fighting over anything, it will be over maintaining my peace, and my healing BUT never, ever, ever over somebody’s crusty son caught up with someone else’s dusty daughter.

Yours in Authenticity,

-L

I Used to Love H.I.M. (An Ode to Every Boy I’ve Ever Loved)

For me, falling in love is pretty easy…it’s the falling out of it part that’s hard.

Song Inspiration: Out My Mind, Just In Time x Erykah Badu

It was 2002; I was in the 3rd grade. We had just finished lunch and were coming in from recess. I remember standing in line to get a drink from the classroom water fountain when I glanced over and locked eyes with my crush. Instant butterflies rushed to my stomach. I tried not to be so obvious as I quickly looked away just to swiftly look in his direction once again. He was whispering something to his friend. I watched them talk as they continued to look my way. I was caught up in his smile and the way he was so personable. My mind started to wander and I drifted into that thought about that one time he had said something funny while the teacher was talking and had made the whole class laugh. My boo was so funny, maybe he’d grow up to be a famous comedian or something. Then there was that one time that I lost my pencil and he let me borrow his; He even sharpened it for me before I used it. My boo was SO thoughtful! Maybe he’d be one of those traveling doctors that helps people recover from illness all over the world. Oh! There was also that one time when he… “LONDON!!!!” the classmate behind me yelled unnecessarily into my ear to get my attention. Apparently my daydreaming had me holding up the rest of the line to the water fountain. Thanks to the loud ass classmate behind me, I was busted. I quickly grabbed my drink and rushed back to my seat before I could be any more embarrassed.

But then it happened. The moment I had been waiting for all school year. My crush had glanced over in my direction again, but this time he was making his way over to me. In my mind, I panicked. He moved in closer. I could feel his breath as he got closer to my ear. My heart was beating so fast. I just knew this would be the moment he’d tell me that he felt the same way I felt about him all this time and I just knew he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend. I could feel it. He leaned in close, cupped his hand around my ear and whispered “Why have you worn the same pants for the last three days in a row???” My stomach instantly dropped to my ass. It was in that moment I had realized that during my daydreaming, my crush was laughing with his friend at the fact that I had worn the same pair of purple jeans for the last three days in a row. Now granted, I had NO business being in that type of outfit situation in the first place BUT in my defense, I was a third grader! I truly LOVED those purple pants and had successfully found three different shirts to match those jeans so my third grade logic told me to go for it! *face palm* I couldn’t have been more mortified in the 8 years of life that I had lived up to that point. I had this entire dreamy/romanticized scenario in my mind of how I thought things would go and I had set myself up to be completely let down. How would my little 3rd grade heart ever mend?! I cringe and laugh every single time I share this story, but in all actuality this moment would be one of the first to define the way I processed my relationships in the future.

Growing Apart (to get closer)

My experiences in this last year and a half have been some of the most traumatic, yet transformative that I have ever had. I am currently dealing with the aftermath of a break-up with my significant other of 5 years. I have so many thoughts and feelings about it but it’s been so hard to explain. I walk around like everything is fine when on the inside I feel like I’m on a never-ending rollercoaster of emotions. Some days I’m extremely sad while other days I’m extremely angry/frustrated. Some days I’m just lost in nostalgia but overall, I’m anxious about the unknown. Being with someone for so long, you get used to certain patterns and ways of being, even if it wasn’t necessarily the best situation or under the best circumstances. Oddly enough, during this time I have had some pretty impactful encounters with a couple of people who have really helped put some things into perspective.

In the last month or so I had been fortunate enough to have a conversation with my first long-term boyfriend. He was my high school sweetheart; we were supposed to be together forever. My sister had even named us godparents to her first-born. I was with him from the ages of 16-21 before we called it quits. He and I were growing up together while simultaneously growing apart. He was back home going to school while I was staying on campus. We were both trying our best to experience life separately, living our own experiences, having our own new encounters, building our own new relationships all while holding on to what we had built together. He was all that I knew. He and his family had supported me through some of the toughest moments of my life at that point. He was the person I thought I was going to marry. We fought for our young love as hard as we could, but it got to a point where we couldn’t even be in the same room together without being frustrated. We had this whole life planned out for the two of us. Unfortunately, plans change. The break up was rough. We both took it hard, but in different ways so we actually hadn’t been on speaking terms with each other for almost 5 years.

So when we finally met we both had a lot of things to say, but most importantly we had a lot of apologizing to do. We were so young when we were together and our expectations of what actual healthy relationships consisted of had been totally defined by outlandish societal norms and broken family constructs. We had no idea what it really took to be together and quite honestly we had no business imposing such heavy expectations on each other at such a young age. We were able to talk about our lives since we split- the good, the bad and the uncertain. Although I wish we could’ve had this type of closure a long time ago, it felt really good to know that we could be at a place of peace with each other within our own journeys. I left that space feeling hopeful, and I think he did too.

Coincidentally, I also recently reconnected with a middle school boyfriend of mine. I can remember a string of middle/high school boyfriends who were just that- school boyfriends. This was because I wasn’t allowed to date. That meant no home phone calls, no activities outside of school like movies, or arcade centers, not even park meet-ups. Don’t get me wrong, if I could find ways to cheat the system, I would. So from the school hours of 7:30 am to 3:30 pm, Monday-Friday I would spend time talking, passing notes, sitting next to at lunch, and holding hands in the hallway with my boo. If I had friends whose parents weren’t drill sergeants like mine, I would take advantage of the opportunity to see my boo in person at a bonfire or a casual kickback. I had to get in where I fit in so I made the most out of the time I was allotted. Of all my middle school flings, this one felt the most real to me. The connection we had was unparalleled. I know it sounds silly coming from a middle school perspective but it’s really the only way to describe it. We were so young but it was like he was one of the only people who really saw me. We had a deeper understanding of each other. He’s the one that called out my perfectionism before I even really knew what it was. He was my first kiss. He made all of the risky attempts to connect worth it.

I moved to the city of Detroit about 3 years ago. One of the first people I reached out to was this middle school boyfriend who happened to live in the city. Although we hadn’t been in a relationship since middle school, we had stayed somewhat connected through a mutual friend of ours and through social media. I was really excited to get to re-learn him as adults and not through the lens of my 13-year-old self. I had high hopes for meeting together at some point but after a couple years passed and it never happened, I let it go. To my surprise, a couple of months ago we ended up reconnecting over the course of a weekend that our mutual friend was in town visiting. I finally had the opportunity to tell him about how our interactions together were so special and what our connection had meant to me back then. I had waited all this time to see him and couldn’t wait to ask him why it took so long for us to finally reconnect. His response was really short and to the point which caught me off guard. He calmly said “London, we only dated for about two weeks before you broke up with me.” In that moment, I had felt that same feeling of rejection that my 3rd grade self had felt before. Now, there was a lot of middle school politics in-between this situation that I won’t delve into… but the point still remained that what I once thought was a special connection between me and this person could have really been summed up to a fling that lasted all of two weeks before it was totally dismantled.

I left that interaction feeling real unsure about myself for a moment. I thought back to my past interactions, not only with him but with every boy I ever thought that I had loved, from the boy in 3rd grade, the guys in middle and high school, all the way to the current situation that I was in. Did I really love these people? Was the connection really real? Did I make all of this up in my mind? Were any of these encounters genuine?? It felt like that one scene in the movie A Beautiful Mind, when the main character played by Russell Crowe found out that all of his fond memories were indeed made up and that he was actually suffering from schizophrenia. At first, I was shook but then something clicked.

Not all honest expressions of my feelings are real honesty. You see, my honest feelings may not be truthful assessments of the situation. I can be honest with how I feel and still exaggerate or misinterpret what is true. I can feel justified in being blatant about my feelings- not hiding a thing and prideful for being so real, all under the guise of being honest enough to not stuff things up inside.

Lysa TerKeurst

The reality of the relational situations that I have been in is that I wasn’t actually looking at the reality of the situations that I was in. I had to read that sentence again in my mind too. I was too busy getting caught up in the romanticism of it all that I wasn’t really paying attention to the hard facts. Did I have a crush on that boy in 3rd grade? Yes! However, he wasn’t interested in me in that way-not at all. Instead of facing the reality of that, I chose the alternative route to fantasize about what could be-not what really was, only to be let down by what I already knew to be true. Did I really think that I was going to marry my high school sweetheart? There was no doubt in my mind! But the reality of the situation was that we just couldn’t make it work and there was absolutely nothing we could do at the time to prevent our split from happening, no matter how hard we tried to piece it back together. Did I really have a deep connection with my middle school boyfriend? Oh absolutely! But the reality of the situation was that we were 7th/8th graders. Because of my strict lifestyle, we only had so many hours of a school day/week to interact. We took advantage of the time we had together and it was great, really great but it wasn’t enough to make a real difference in our journey together like I had hoped. Did I really love my most recent significant other? With everything in me. Unfortunately the reality of the situation is that you can’t make someone love you the way that you want to be loved-they’ve got to be ready and willing to make those compromises and sacrifices. I realize that I’ve spent a lot of time grieving over what was never really mine. Had I understood these situations for what they truly were, maybe I wouldn’t have been so lovesick in these seasons…

It Gets Better With Time

As I continue to live through the daily motions of life without someone I thought I would be with for the long haul, I am constantly reminded that it all gets better with time. It took 5 years for me and my high school sweetheart to find closure. It took a little over 10 years for me and my middle school boyfriend to reconnect and I’m guessing it’s going to take some serious time before me and my recent significant other can get our stuff together too. In the midst of all this uncertainty, I am certain of this: there is a love out there that is just for me. It won’t be imagined, short-lived or forced. This time, I promise myself that I won’t stir up or awaken love until I know its time for me has truly come. So, I’ll be patient. Whenever that time comes, I will welcome it with an open mind and an open heart.

To every boy I’ve ever loved… or at least thought that I loved: I still do. But not in the daydreaming, fairy-tale imaginary kind of way. It’s in the genuine sense that I hope you’re happy, healthy and living your best life. It’s the hope that you’ve found, or are on your way to finding your purpose, discovering your passions and experiencing actual love or at least what it feels like to genuinely love someone else. I hope that when you think of me in whatever capacity we’ve interacted-past or present, the memory makes you laugh or smile. I sure do.

Yours in Aunthenticity,

-L

This Little Light Still Shines: A Year in Review

It’s been one year since I started my blog. If you’re wondering what I’ve been up to since my writing hiatus… Well, summer all I did was de-stress, okay? And New Years in Vegas was blessed, okay? And Galentines Day was the best, okay? Keep reading for what happens next… Okay?

Song Inspo: What’s Next x Drake

1 Year Down, Many More to Go

One year ago today, I published my first blog post for This little light of London. For 11 weeks after, I spent each Saturday waking up early to pray, do my devotions and then create my blog posts for you to enjoy. This blog has created a space for me to express myself intentionally, authentically and with confidence as I laughed, cried and reflected on my own journey through life. In June 2020, I had a horrific hospital experience that forced me to take a writing break in order to focus on my physical and mental health. After recovering from that situation, I honestly lost my motivation to keep writing. I had put a lot of pressure on myself to write each week that blogging became more of a task than a form of self-care. Thankfully, I have learned that sometimes even good things require breaks too. Stepping away from my blog for a while gave me the opportunity to practice recognizing and honoring the signals that my body gives off that tell me when I am doing the absolute most which calls for me to slow down.

So much has happened since I last wrote! I truly spent the rest of the summer between June and August practicing self-care amidst the ongoing pandemic. I took the time to focus on myself and what I really valued about the woman I was becoming. I spent time in prayer and devotions daily and I tapped in to my relationship with God. I wanted to share some highlights of my experience this past year because it has truly been a year of learning, growth and blessings!

In September I was nominated for and won a distinguished award at my part-time job in recognition of my efforts to support the students within our organization. During the weekend of the virtual award ceremony, I was also able to reconnect with one of my childhood friends as we went on a road trip to see our other childhood friend get married. It was great time of celebration, reflection and honest conversations.

In October I made a commitment to changing my physical health. I started going to the gym 3 times a week. I made the conscious choice to remain consistent and although progress started off slow, I can visibly see the change in my body for the better. Going to the gym consistently has taught me to be more disciplined, challenged me to go a little harder to achieve my body goals, and has given me more motivation with an extra boost of confidence. I am proud of the progress that I have made so far and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon!

Two major things happened in November: I bought a new car! I tried my hardest to hold on to my 2010 Jeep Compass, but after having it for 4 years and spending over $3,000 in repairs during this previous summer alone, it was definitely time to move on! I moved up a little in the world and was able to buy a 2017 Chevy Trax with no co-signer and only 13,000 miles! I even got a custom license plate (much to my best friend Hillary’s disapproval). I also went on an encouragement campaign for my friends and family. I reached out via social media to see if anyone needed any extra encouragement or wanted to receive some positive words through the mail. After gathering the responses, I spent a couple of hours in Target picking out cards for each individual who responded. I handwrote them each notes of encouragement and mailed them the following weekend. It was my way of sharing how much they meant to me in my life and the lives of others around them.

On the job front, I became more restless within my position at the high school where I worked. Teaching students during a pandemic was probably one of the most challenging things that I have ever done. I watched my students disconnect and become more weary as each day went. On top of that, admin within the school continued to create a toxic, culturally incompetent atmosphere for students and employees and it became unbearable. I felt like it was time to make a change, but wasn’t sure how to proceed. Last year, after experiencing major heartbreak and disappointment, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t make any future moves until I asked God about it first and got confirmation on how to proceed. So, I prayed about it and trusted the waiting process although it was extremely hard. I applied for a position with an organization that I had wanted to work at since graduating from undergrad. I applied for the position in November, but grew anxious when I did not hear back from them until mid-January. I am constantly reminded every single time that what God has promised me is always worth the wait. Three interview rounds later, on February 22nd, I was offered the position, moving me into a $20,000 increase, great health benefits, a generous PTO package and an opportunity to expand professionally and personally! I recently celebrated one month at my new job and although vastly different from the work I had been previously doing, I have enjoyed my experience and look forward to so much more.

In December, I celebrated my best friend Monti’s 28th birthday. This was the first time in 5 years that we had been able to fully celebrate her birthday together, so I put my birthday fairy skills to the test and had the most amazing time celebrating her and the wonderful woman that she is. It was on my heart to create care packages for those in my community experiencing homelessness so together with my boyfriend and his mom, we packaged up 80 mini care kits and 80 lunch bags. We spent the day riding around the city passing out what we had until it was gone. It truly was one of the most rewarding experiences that I will never forget and I plan to do it again in the future. I also took a trip to Vegas with my love to bring in the New Year. It was the first time I had been there and even in the middle of a pandemic, it did not disappoint!

In January, I decided to go on a 21 day fast for spiritual reasons. I wanted more clarity and a sense of discipline. It proved to be one of the best ways to start off the year! I felt more in tune with God and a better sense of self. February was an eventful month! I celebrated Galentine’s Day with my girlfriends, Valentines Day with my bf, and family birthdays. I was offered the position for my new job in February which of course called for celebration with my girls!

My older sister is in the Air Force and was scheduled to deploy to Afghanistan for 6 months in mid March. So in early March, I spent a week in San Antonio where I was able to spend some quality time with my family before her deployment. I even got a matching tattoo with my sister to represent our bond! I started my new job the day after returning from San Antonio and have been on the go ever since!

In April, the plan is to catch my breath! It has been one of the most eventful years of my life! My favorite moments within this season has been the genuine quality time spent with my loved ones. I have been able to safely celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, accomplishments, girls nights and major milestones with those I hold close to my heart. I am grateful beyond what words can explain!

Next month, I will be celebrating my 27th birthday. Time truly flies! Some of my major goals this year revolve around seeking God daily through prayer and devotions, continuing to make my health a priority and spending more time with family and friends as safely as possible.

It’s been one whirlwind of a year for me! A year wrapped up in many triumphs, challenges and waiting periods. I would love to hear about some of the highlights within your year so far!

Yours Always in Authenticity,

-L

(Im)Perfect 10

I’m a recovering undercover over-loving, people-pleasing perfectionist.

Song inspiration: Reachin’ 2 Much x Anderson.Paak ft. Lalah Hathaway

Passing notes was a favorite pastime of mine when I was younger. I didn’t have a cellphone until my sophomore year of high school so you can imagine I did a lot of note passing back in my day. I just recently threw away all the notes I had saved from middle/high school after watching this one episode of hoarders that changed my life (but I digress) I was in the 7th grade when I received a note in the hallway from my crush/school boyfriend. I excitedly opened it in my 3rd period class. It was a letter written in the form of a poem entitled “My Sexy Perfectionist.” Now, I know what you’re thinking: What in the hell does a 7th grade boy know about what it is to be sexy?!? I definitely agree. I was nowhere near sexy at that age but a young boy can dream I guess. I will never forget this note for many reasons, but most importantly, it was the first time in my life I had ever been called a perfectionist. I had absolutely no idea what that word meant. But shout out to homeboy; he may not have known what it was to be sexy at that young age, but he was able to identify a character flaw in me that would permeate my life for years to come.

I am the youngest of six siblings and quite frankly I believe this is why I am a very visual learner. I had so many examples of what to do and what not to do in the eyes of my parent’s approval. I definitely didn’t have to touch the stove to know that it was hot (thanks to my sister Amber) I tried my very best to be under the good graces of my parents. I was a pretty solid rule follower, I liked to help my mom with chores around the house and I did really well in school. My dad has only had to yell at me one time in my life and I still feel like it was super unwarranted (but go off Eldridge) I was always the teacher’s helper and tried my best to be an exemplar student in the class. I would like to say I was the perfect kid, but we all know I’d be stretching the truth just a little bit.

I thought I had figured out a major life cheat code. Just follow the rules, learn from other people’s mistakes and do things differently… Duh!! Me and my bright ideas. What I was actually doing was placing such a heavy burden of perfectionism on myself at a very early age. I was committed to living a life of acceptance instead of authenticity. I was so stuck on doing the right thing at all times that when I had a human lapse of judgement, there was really no need for my parents to punish me because I would punish myself with self-loathing and despair (on top of actual punishment) Every time I felt like I disappointed my parents or teachers, I would vow to go above and beyond the next time to prove myself worthy of their love and forgiveness. In reality, it was never that deep, but my little mind couldn’t comprehend that. So not only did I strive to do every single thing with perfection, I added people-pleasing to the mix which is a dangerous concoction.

If you looked up the definition of doing too much, you’d see my picture right there with a goofy ass smile. I kid you not. I went so hard in everything that I mistook perfectionism for authentic ambition.

This mindset impacted every aspect of my life. In my educational journey, I prided myself on being academically disciplined (besides that one relapse when I almost failed the 3rd grade) When I didn’t catch on to a concept as quick as I’d like to, I’d feel like there was something wrong with me or the way that I learned. I didn’t want to be seen as incompetent in the eyes of my peers. In my personal life, I pushed myself to live up to the expectations of my family and friends. I held myself to unrealistic standards that the people around me could not and would not adhere to because they weren’t necessary. When I would do something to disappoint family or friends, I’d think of any way possible to get back in their good graces; I’d bend over backwards to prove my love and loyalty. So it constantly felt like I was giving more than I was receiving.

Unfortunately, In my love life I actually grew up to be that “Sexy Perfectionist” my 7th grade crush was talking about. I looked real good on the outside but was full of shit on the inside. You couldn’t tell me anything in opposition to what my intention was. I always went above and beyond to make sure that I was the perfect girlfriend. I learned the hard way that you don’t get a Nobel Peace Prize for simply not cheating (who knew?) I had a lot of messed up character traits that would be enough to make any guy that pursued me run in the opposite direction. When confronted with constructive criticism by my significant other, I would become stoic and hard hearted. It was hard for me to hear anything negative because I knew the major effort that I put into each endeavor so if it was misread, then clearly it wasn’t my problem, it was theirs. So eventually, my significant others would just stop telling me when I made them feel some type of way while I made sure to point out every single flaw of theirs. As you can imagine, that did not go over so well in the relationship retention department. In my career, it was hard when I worked really hard on something and felt like it wasn’t acknowledged or appreciated the way that I felt it should be. In my faith, I felt like I had to be perfect to come to God and ask for help. So a lot of the time, I tried doing things on my own because I didn’t think I was worthy of receiving grace. Perfectionism/People-pleasing was kicking my ass.

Again, I am thankful for therapy and for God placing loved ones in my life who were able to help me push past many of these isms. So as I sit here in my living room, writing to those who will read but also to myself, I am reminded that it is okay to be human. It is okay to miss the mark. We can give ourselves grace and room to grow. I used to seek approval of others, desiring to be the perfect 10-whatever that is. Instead, I try to follow a list of Imperfect 10’s (things I work on while giving myself tons of grace to miss the mark) to help me become someone I can be proud of.

London’s List of Imperfect 10’s

  1. Accountability: I try my best each day to take responsibility for my words and actions. I am willing to allow others to hold me accountable without using self-loathing as a defense mechanism when I go against my word or my actions in ways that can be harmful to my boundaries and others around me
  2. Boundaries: I practice creating healthy boundaries within myself and those around me. I practice saying no. I am willing to have conversations about what I will and will not allow and understand that although I cannot control who will or will not adhere to my boundaries, I will stand firm in my commitment to protecting my heart, time, space and energy
  3. Forgiveness: I remind myself daily that just as much as I make mistakes and mess up, others do as well because we are humans-flawed and imperfect. We are all facing our own battles and situations. I practice daily the ability to forgive and show grace to those who have hurt me because I want to be forgiven too
  4. Humility: I wake up each day with the understanding that I do not know it all. I am capable of learning new things and gaining new perspectives until my time on earth is done. There will never be a time where I am a proclaimed “expert,” of life and I am okay with that
  5. Courage: I want to live life without fear as much as possible by examining why something scares and and formulating ways to overcome fear with help from God, family and friends
  6. Integrity: I strive to do the right thing even when there’s no audience or reward to acknowledge my efforts. I want my life to leave behind traces of authenticity, respect and honest ambition
  7. Vision: I never want to stop dreaming. I pray for my purpose to shine through me daily and that new ideas to spring up in me. I don’t want to be discouraged or take rejection so hard when doors/opportunities don’t happen. Instead I hope to be rerouted and wait in excitement for the next window of opportunity to come
  8. Love: I truly believe that love conquers all and if I approach people and situations in my life with love at the forefront, I am off to a good start
  9. Gratitude: Each day I start off with words of thankfulness to God for my life, for new opportunities and for another chance to impact those around me. I even created a gratitude jar where I write down things I am thankful for and open them after 6 months to a year to remind myself that no matter what, there are things I can be grateful for
  10. Patience: I used to want to rush certain processes and now I try my best to go with the flow, trusting that what’s for me is for me and nothing and no one can stop me from receiving what’s truly mine. I strive to get through things, allowing myself to feel and acknowledge each emotion instead of getting over things through avoidance and stoic expressions

I truly believe that many, if not all of the good/bad experiences that we go through are not only for the benefit of ourselves but for others as well. That’s why I do my best to be as open and honest in this blog. As painful and embarrassing as it was to go through these things, I get so much joy in the feeling of release and reflection on how far I’ve come. I hope my words are received with as much love and encouragement as I write them in.

I’d love to hear your thoughts! What’s a character flaw you’ve overcome or are still working on overcoming? Feel free to comment below!

Yours in Authenticity,

London

Black Dads: The Unsung Heroes

Just taking some time to acknowledge and celebrate Black fathers.

Song Inspiration: Champion x Kanye West

As we all should know by now, Father’s Day is some time in June. Each year I remind myself to be on top of finding a Father’s Day gift for the dads in my life and almost each year I wait until the last minute to get something and unfortunately this year is no different. As Father’s Day quickly approaches, I have been dragging my feet on trying to find the perfect gifts for my dads. This brought up conversation around why it’s so easy to celebrate the mothers in our lives in comparison to how difficult it is to celebrate our dads.

Historically speaking, the roles of fatherhood in the Black community have been tainted by the trauma evoked on the Black family structure that dates all the way back to slavery. En route to America, Black men, women and children were separated from their families with little to no hope of seeing each other ever again. Once in America, Black men and women were separated yet again and sold into slavery, stationed on plantations throughout the country. Eventually, Black men and women had the opportunity to be joined together in marriage while still enslaved. The act of marriage was signified by way of “jumping the broom,” where the marriage ceremony consisted of a broom being laid down before the bride and groom for them to jump over because there was no legal recognition of Black marriages during that time.

Once the marriage was established by the couple, they would typically begin to reproduce and start a family. Although family units were created during this time, they could still be easily torn apart by way of slave owners. The Black man had no control over what happened to him or his family both physically and economically. There was no autonomy for decision making over the Black household. For the majority of Black families, there were no means of economic gain outside of slavery. If a slave master wanted to rape the Black man’s wife or sell his children to another plantation owner, the Black man had no say. If the slave owner decided to sell the Black man to another plantation owner, he would have no choice but to be separated from his wife and children, most likely never to be seen by his family again. This cycle has continued for years post-slavery-just repackaged.

The divide in the Black household post-slavery was further pushed by the systematic disenfranchisement of the Black man. Employment opportunities for Black males were few and far in between, crippling the Black man’s ability to provide for his family. Black men were given jobs that were less than desirable with minimal pay. Desperately in search of economic gain, some Black men took to the streets to find quick but illegal means of income to supplement the need. Which leads me to the incarceration rates in the united states. Although the Black population in the united states is about 12%, Black bodies make up 33% of the prison population. Black males are six times more likely to be incarcerated than any other racial group. Black men also serve longer sentences for the same crimes as other ethnic counterparts. As we also know that historically, Black men have suffered untimely death at the hands of police brutality. Educationally speaking, Black men are more likely to be suspended from school, or disciplined harshly, and the graduation rates for Black men in high school/college are low in comparison to Black women. The societal structure for Black fatherhood has set Black men up to fail.

So as you can imagine, because of historical trauma, among other things that are out of the Black man’s control, Black dads get a bad rep. I just want to be clear: I am in no means making excuses for Black fathers who are not present in the lives of their children. I am just providing some historical context as to why some of these barriers exist in the Black family. I want to take a moment to celebrate the Black dads in our lives, even if they aren’t necessarily our own.

The Black father figures in my life have truly shaped me into the woman that I am today. I just want to acknowledge these men for a minute. My Papa Don, who taught me how to be confident and go for what I want in life with boldness, through his hilarious stories that showed me that chances make champions. To my Papa on granny’s side for teaching me how to give back to my community through acts of service. To my Papa Calvin who keeps me laughing and goes above and beyond for me. There’s no doubt in my mind that he would travel near and far just to spend time with me no matter what we would be doing that day. To my Dad, who teaches me how to take it one day at a time, not sweating the things I cannot control. The one I get my sense of humor from and my bomb taste in music. The one who supported me through college whether it was visits, dramatic phone calls, or financial draining of his pockets at the drop of a hat. To the wonderful dad I was blessed with at age 12. When he came into my life, I was a moody pre-teen who felt like she didn’t need anyone else. He was patient with me, cared for me and loved me even when I tried my hardest to be unlovable. He would be at every game, band concert and award ceremony. He would cook dinner and do laundry all while balancing a full-time job, household chores/responsibilities and being active in the lives of all of his daughters. To my brother-in-law who just gets me. I don’t have to say much for him to understand where I’m coming from. He brings so much peace. He is a dedicated father who loves hard taught me how to be selfless. I am so appreciative of you all and the sacrifices you’ve made for me and others.

So, if you’re like me, and don’t have the slightest clue as to what you’re going to give your dad for Father’s Day, or you don’t have a father in your life due to loss, separation or estrangement, find the nearest dad you know whether it be a friend, neighbor, or other close relative and encourage them today. If you really can’t think of any examples in your life, word to J.Cole give a shout out to Uncle Phil (RIP, he really was a dope father figure). Let them know that they are seen, loved and appreciated and explain how/why. Shower them with support and uplift their spirits. These are the things that money can’t buy.

To my Black Dads: You are seen, you are loved and you are appreciated. Despite all odds, you will overcome. You are equipped with all the skills and tools to care and provide for your loved ones. You are strong. You are wise. You will win. Happy Father’s Day!

Yours in Authenticity,

-London


Drop The Prayer Sis!

Between cuffing seasons, hot girl/boy summers, situationships, friends with benefits, the ex-factor, and friend zones, dating as a millennial should be considered a competitive sport.

Song Inspiration: I Want To Thank You x Alicia Myers
Me looking through my Twitter thread for the specific prayer that produces amazing relationships

A few weeks ago, I was doing my usual scrolling on Twitter when I came across one of my favorite internet couples on my timeline. It happened to be an entire thread about how they first met, leading all the way up until they got engaged and then married. To add to the mix they have the most adorable child with another one on the way. I looked at the entire thread in awe, completely elated for this little family I don’t even know. Among the overflow of “Congratulations!” and “so happy for y’all!” comments in the thread, I saw some other common phrases in many forms: “Sis, what was the specific prayer?!,” or “Drop the prayer sis,” and a bunch of “Lord, I’ve seen what you’ve done for others….” I giggled to myself a little as I searched the rest of the thread looking to see if home girl actually dropped the specific prayer *you know, just looking for a friend* And to my– I mean MY FRIEND’S disappointment, there was absolutely no prayer to be found.

DATING AS A MILLENNIAL BE LIKE

We live in a generation of not being in love and not being together. But we sure make it feel like we’re together because we’re scared to see each other with somebody else.

Doing it Wrong x Drake

I hate to admit it, but Drake said it best. Every time I think about what it’s like to date in this day and age, my mind goes directly to this lyric. There’s so much going on at one time. We often find ourselves caught in some type of relationship hokey pokey- you know the kinda-committed, kinda-not dance. Unfortunately, I know this two step a little too well. I am a lovey dovey kind of woman. I LOVE love. I am the kind of person that dates with the intention that it will blossom into something more, that could eventually blossom into something big, that might even blossom into something bigger like umm idk… marriage. My bad. I definitely didn’t mean to drop the “M” word on y’all like that. Even saying that word out loud makes me feel some type of way. Honestly, dating in this time makes me feel like that word is a figment of my imagination. I hear it all the time though. In fact today my mom casually and unapologetically dropped the “M” word and added in the grand-baby razzle dazzle today while we were driving. In my mind I was like “GIRL, if you only knew…” Instead I just laughed awkwardly and changed the subject.

I wanted to break it down to my mom like this: Relationships or lack thereof in this time period are confusing af. How you ask?! Let me count the ways…

Let’s start with Cuffing Season. Where did this even come from?! It’s that space between the fall and the spring (September-April/May-ish) where we find the urge to want to be cuddled up with someone. If you don’t have a solid foundation once the sundress season hits, be prepared to be kicked to the curb (sorry boo, it happens to the best of us). Next, we have the talking stage. It’s that beginning piece of any relationship that consists of you sliding into your soon-to-be boo’s DM’s whether that be via social media platform or an in-person scenario. You’re honestly just trying to get to know someone, feel them out to see if the vibe is real. In this time, it’s unclear if one is supposed to drop all the other people they may be talking to, or if they should continue to keep it casual and let the other person they’re talking to know that they are also entertaining other people. There are so many unspoken rules or there aren’t any rules at all. This is often where many relationships start and end. Some of us find ourselves in a constant loop of the talking stage with some potential for a good match, all to be let down, going back to square one.

But wait- there’s a thin line between the talking stage and actually dating which we like to call situationships. Situationships are usually undefined and uncommitted. They can be based on comfort or convenience and vary between short term & long-term. College hook-ups are a wonderful example. You may only be together when you’re in school & when summer break hits, you say your goodbyes, but keep in touch because you know welcome weekend comes around quick and you don’t want to miss a beat. There’s an even thinner line between the talking stage, actual dating and situationships which are known as… you guessed it- friends with benefits!! You find that you may actually vibe with the person, get along well, but don’t want to make the relationship commitment. I mean why would you need to change the flow of things by adding a relationship title?!?! Or, you may find yourself strictly in the friend zone which is where all these relationship concepts go to die.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention this semi-new and exhilarating concept of living a hot girl/boy lifestyle not only in the summer but all year long *Thanks Meg*. In this phase of life, you have no attachments to anyone or anything. I like to call this the “I catch flights, not feelings” stage of life. You do what, and who you want– when, and however you want. I would like to think that this is a stage of confidence and taking control of your life, but it often turns out to be a crazy roller coaster of unstable actions and emotions. This stage is definitely not for the weak hearted. It’s a constant cat and mouse game of who can play who, or who can do the most without catching feelings and falling in love. It can be exhausting no doubt.

WAIT A MINUTE: How could I forget the ex-factor?!? You always have that one ex that’s trying to make things right for the 100000000000000th time. Depending on the season in your life you may or may not entertain their advances. Nine times out of ten, you end up entertaining your ex against your better judgement and end up regretting it. But hey, such is life… See you in a few months big head.

IF you can successfully move past ALL of these stages, you unlock a more serious dating situation. You may even call this a stage relationship. At this point, you probably have texted your starting five line-up saying that you think you may have found something worth giving up the late night “you up” texts for. Even though you still may be a little unsure, you take the risk anyway hoping that it works out for the best *I just realized that sounded real Will Smith from Hitch-like, but its the truth* You start to spend more time with this person which could lead to something more promising, but if it doesn’t you’re back at square one, hoping that you can at least get back three of your starting five line-up *depending on how long you’ve been in the dating stage this could prove to be a difficult feat, but possible.*

So mom, this whole “M” word thing is not as simple of a goal as you’d think.

RELATIONSHIP GOALS

Now, back to this prayer that nobody seems to be finding… I often find myself and other women making these kind of comments often. We see couples like Ciara & Russel, Will & Jada or my absolute fave Michelle & Barack, and can’t help but ask ourselves how in the hell do they manage to pull this relationship stuff off and make it look so effortless. There’s even a book about it (Thanks to Pastor Mike Todd of Transformation Church). Thankfully/hopefully we don’t have to look too far to find relationship goals in our real lives. It could be our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, other family and our friends. I love hearing stories about their relationships. It’s like they’re unlocking a secret code to this relationship stuff. I’ve gotten my fair share of relationship advice and the most obvious and real sentiment is that everyone’s relationship is unique and how they love each other works for them. Each love story is so special because it unravels how those individuals discovered each other and learned how to love. They’ve all had their fair share of ups and downs, but they found someone willing to weather those storms.

So, I asked my mom how she managed to find my amazing step-dad and without her knowing any context to my question her answer turned out to be a PRAYER!!!!! When I tell you I was so ready to hear about how she asked God for the perfect man and then would list all the qualities, her answer made me stop and think. She said: I asked my dad this same question a long time ago. I said dad, how do I find a good husband? He said that I needed to pray for myself. He said that instead of spending so much time praying for the perfect partner, pray that you yourself would be someone that you’d want to marry.

As confusing as that sounds I immediately thought of that 3 Stacks line in Green light “If I were you it would be me that I’d go home with.” I had a big reality check. A lot of times we pray prematurely or seek a partner with qualities we don’t even possess! How many times have you heard someone say, I want a boss who makes six figures and drives a BMW, but they themselves don’t even have a job? Or I want someone that knows how to cook/clean, but they themselves don’t know how. If you want your future partner to be good with finances, first pray that you learn to handle your finances well too (secure that savings account or make goals to improve your credit score). If you want your future boo to be compassionate and in-tune with your needs, first pray that you’re that kind of person in your daily life-showing love and compassion to those around you. If you want your future bae to love kids, pray first that you’re able to have the patience that comes with interacting with children because honestly, most of us don’t. If you want your future sugar booger to know how to cook and clean, pray that you’re also willing to learn new things and take a cooking class, or finally learn how to do your own laundry. The list goes on, and it looks different depending on your wants and needs.

The best part about this kind of prayer is that if all else fails, and you still can’t seem to snag a boo out of the deal, you were able to manifest a better version of yourself simply by investing in you first. That my friends, is what I would consider a prayer worth trying. So wherever you find yourself in this dating timeline, I encourage you to take a minute to stop and pray for yourself- that you become the best version of yourself for you, and that all your hearts desires will begin to surround you as you grow. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this and where you stand in this millennial dating timeline or your thoughts on dating in general!

Yours in Authenticity,

London

An Ode to Self-Care

self-care /ˌselfˈker/

The practice of taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health. The practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress

Song Inspiration: Cranes in the Sky x Solange

So we’re going through a global pandemic, constant reminders that our nation has a long way to go in achieving true social justice, the severity of climate change, and a resurgence of sexual assault experiences and allegations being shared across almost all social media platforms. YIKES is an understatement. I wanted to do a quick but meaningful check-in on the current status of our mental health because I consider y’all my family and I care about you! The issues that we see unfolding around us are extremely important, and require our attention, but I also think it’s important to know when to step back and take some time to replenish yourself. I just want to take a moment to talk about the importance of self-care, especially through stressful situations.

I started my self-care journey on February 14th, 2019. Prior to that, I was struggling, BAD. I had graduated from an accelerated master’s degree program the summer of 2018 and started working two jobs during that fall. By September of 2018, I was waking up at 6 am to start my full-time job from 7:30 am to 4:00 pm and then picking back up with my part-time job from 4:30 pm until 9:30 pm during the weekday and a few hours on the weekend. I was working a total of 70 hours a week. While balancing my work load, I tried my best to keep up with my relationship, friends and family while struggling to take care of myself. I began to distance myself not only because of my crazy work schedule, but also because of the internal battle I was having with myself about how to utilize my free time when I actually had free time. I wanted to spend time with family and friends but my body was physically tired and my mental state was crumbling slowly but surely. Although I tried my best to mask how I was feeling on the inside when I did choose to spend my free time with my significant other, family or my friends, I felt like I was the furthest thing from a joy to be around. It felt like I was a walking zombie, like I was drowning in broad daylight and nobody could see. At the same time, I was afraid to talk to my friends and family about what I was experiencing because I felt like they had other things going on and didn’t want to add the “burden” of my problems on them.

I went into overdrive and my energy would spiral from being really happy and feeling good about life to really sad and frustrated with what was happening around me. It took a major toll on the relationship with my significant other. It felt like we were walking on eggshells with one another each time we were together and eventually we started seeing less of each other. With unaddressed mental and physical health concerns, daily life struggles with work and school and a stack of other issues that were lost in that black hole, our relationship was torn apart. In that moment I felt like I had lost control of everything. I thought I was doing my best to multi-task and stay balanced within my jobs, and in turn I was neglecting eating and sleeping. I thought I was trying my best to keep up with my family and friends but I would find that I was going weeks, even months without initiating an interaction and if I heard from family and friends, I would cut the conversation short.

After getting to a point of true helplessness, I decided to take the first step of getting my life back on track. I researched personal counseling offices and made my first appointment. It was a brave first step, and after a little over a year, I can honestly say that it was the best decision I could have ever made for my life. Now don’t get me wrong, therapy is not an easy process and it definitely was not fun digging deep into the aspects of my life that I had buried, never to be uncovered again. It changed my outlook on a lot of the experiences I’ve had in in life and it helped me gain a sense of strength and confidence that was missing. I have been able to be at peace with my past and have gained a sense of hope for my future.I have restored relationships with my family and friends and I have changed the way that I approach the work that I do. Therapy opened up a new avenue of my life that encouraged self-care at all costs and I am so thankful. Unfortunately, all good things eventually come to an end. Although my time in therapy was extremely life-changing and I enjoyed the experience, I had my last therapy session at the end of May. I didn’t view it as an ending, but as a beginning of a new, healthy chapter of my life.

As awesome as I believe therapy is, I understand that this isn’t a reality for many people. I would like to share some self-care activities with little to no cost that helped me practice consistency with loving myself and taking care of my needs, even in the midst of trying times.

  • Creating a self-care check-list: First and foremost, check-in with yourself!! Make sure you are prioritizing your mental and physical health by checking off some basic boxes like eating, drinking water, sleeping and bathing. Then prioritize your list by what you need in that particular moment
  • Sleeping: Finding a good sleeping schedule, especially with my workload has been helpful. there are times when I feel like I am missing out because I need rest, but I remind myself that in order to be my best self, I need to show my body kindness and let it rest
  • Keeping up with your meds: If you take medicine routinely, set an alarm to ensure that you’re taking your meds on time and when you’re supposed to. I recently started taking vitamins and it holds me accountable to eating because I have to take the vitamin with a meal
  • Setting healthy boundaries with others: As you’re processing your emotions and feelings, take time to set boundaries with others. Don’t waste time arguing with an internet troll, or feel like you have to educate the entire Facebook platform on racial bias. It’s okay to say NO! Be honest about your energy levels when others ask you to participate in activities and be mindful that it you are not obligated to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or crosses your line of security.
  • Showers/baths: Showers are one of my favorite ways to practice self-care! You can turn up the music and have a private concert, try a new skin care routine or a new shampoo. I have natural hair so I make shower time on wash days an entire event! Baths are always nice for total relaxation. Dim the lights, put on your favorite movie/show, grab a book to read or listen to some music.
  • Talking to God/reading my Bible: Those who know me, know that my faith is a huge part of my life. I have spent each day for the past 8 weeks taking the time to pray, meditate and read. It has given me such a better outlook on my life and a sense of calmness that I just can’t explain.
  • Journal/Blog/read: If writing is your thing, try journaling your thoughts/feelings day to day or week to week. In my quiet time, I like to journal my thoughts. If reading is your thing, try finding a virtual book club to connect with people across the country who have a shared love for books. I recently started this blog as a form of self-care and keeping up with it has been the best!
  • Cooking: I love to try new recipes! I search Pinterest, Twitter and other food blogging sites to try new foods and dishes. Doing this allows me to take healthy risks and it reminds me that it is okay to make mistakes and to start over.
  • Cleaning: This may sound weird but cleaning/organizing is a form of relaxation for me! I get such a satisfying feeling from seeing the before and after images of the cleaning projects that I do
  • Painting: I am not so good at it, but that doesn’t stop me from trying! I love doing Painting with a Twist. It is calming to watch it all come together
  • Exercising: I love yoga and cycling! Go for a walk! If you can get outside and get active, do it! It’s getting warmer out which makes this experience that much more enjoyable
  • Listening to Music: Music has a way of connecting us as a whole and reaching us in more ways than one. I am always down to be put on to new music and to share with others
  • Spend time with family/friends: Block out some time for positive human interaction! My friends love me and understand me so it is always nice being around people who love you and have your best interest at heart. You’re then able to drop your shoulders and truly relax!
  • Limit your screen time: This one is pretty tricky to do since for the last few months we were on a stay at home order. Although it is important to make sure you’re up to date on current events, make sure to take time away from your social media handles and news outlets.

I know that times are hard. I am here to encourage you to keep your head up. If getting out of the bed each morning is a victory step for you, celebrate that! Take it one day at a time. I’m rooting for you, wherever you are. We’ll get through this together. With that being said, check in with me! How you feelin? What are you doing to address your needs? I’d love to hear your thoughts on self-care during this time and how we can support each other!

Yours in Authenticity,

London

Still We Rise

The man who stands for nothing, will fall for anything -Malcolm X

Song Inspiration: Don’t Don’t Do It! x N.E.R.D ft. Kendrick Lamar

It was November 7th, 2014. I was at a Walmart in my college town with one of my best friends. We decided to share a shopping cart because we didn’t think that we would grab a lot of items as a whole. Me being my typical self, grabbed way more than I had anticipated and as we headed for check-out realized that I had more items than the 20 or less lane was asking for ( I told y’all, I’m a
strict rule follower). So, we decided to unload her items first and that I would move to another lane. As we were unloading, a middle-aged white man who was in line behind us looked at us in disgust and proceeded to sigh extremely loud for everyone to hear. He abruptly moved to the other side of the lane to stand behind someone else. We ignored him and kept unloading our cart. He turned to us and said “You people have NO SHAME AT ALL do you?” At that point, my friend and I looked at each other in confusion because he couldn’t possibly have been talking to us. He then said, “You black bitches need to take your asses back to Detroit!” He claimed that we were probably going to pay with a bridge card and said that we were an inbred race and that we needed to take our asses back to Africa.

I was fully clothed, but never in my life had I felt so naked, so exposed. This man knew nothing about us. He didn’t know where we came from, or that I was going to school for or that I had friends and family that loved me. It didn’t matter. As we stood there and listened to this man spew out hateful words, it felt like an out of body experience. There were people around us, yet no one said a word, not even the cashiers. As I left the aisle to get help, my friend continued to argue with the man as he continued to yell out obscenities. I couldn’t find a manager anywhere. I remember in all of my panic, I just froze. I could hear him and my friend getting louder as he hurled threat after threat upon our lives. He used threatening words against us and was able to walk out of the store with ease, groceries in hand. I didn’t want to buy anything from the store, but I was too afraid to walk out into the parking lot knowing that he could still be out there and God only knows what he could’ve had in his car. My friend on the other hand, proceeded to follow him out of the store, making sure he knew she was not the one to play with (she is still this much of a bad ass). She came back into the store and claimed he was gone as she quickly put her switch blade back into her purse.

We stalled out in the store for a little longer before going out to my car. Once we got to the car, I tried to unlock my car, but my legs began to feel like jelly and I started to lose my balance. My friend caught me just as I began to fall and we stood there in the parking lot, in the rain holding each other up as we cried. I will never forget that day. That man got to go home and sleep peacefully, while spent the weeks after that up all night, crying. He took my peace of mind. I didn’t want to go out in public. I attended a PWI which didn’t make it any better. It felt like if a white person on campus, in my classroom, in the residence halls or the cafeteria even looked at me funny, I was going to throw hands. I was on the defense at all times. I was terrified. Would I ever feel safe enough to do normal activities like shopping? My sense of self, my sense of safety and my sense of peace was in shambles.

WE

Bettmann/Contributor

This is not a new concept for Black people. This is just one of thousands of examples of experiences that Black people go through on a daily basis. As we have continued to see, experiences like these can lead to untimely death. Since the Reconstruction Era (post slavery), my people have endured caricatures and stereotypes that have played into mainstream America’s conscience overtly and covertly. These portrayals served as means to justify our treatment as being less than, and as tools to deny us of our humanity, (see: Uncle Tom, Mammie, Sambo, Jezebel, the Brute and the Picaninny). While these outdated terms change to reflect certain times in history, the spirit of these caricatures remain and are embolden on the fabric of mainstream American society like irremovable stains.

These harmful stereotypes often led to mass hysteria in white American society which induced lynchings of thousands of Black people. It is estimated that over 4,000 Black people were lynched in the South between 1877 and 1950. These lynchings usually occurred outside of the judicial framework of due process and more along the lines of hearsay; however, there were always more unfortunate exceptions. In 1891, Joe Coe was lynched by over 1,000 people in Omaha, Nebraska for claims of assault by a 5 year old and her mother. Instead of due process, community members took matters into their own hands by breaking into the jail where Joe was held, and brought to the victims house to be identified. The mother refused to give sworn testimony that she did in fact know that it was Joe who had committed the crime. The vigilantes brought him back to the courthouse where they proceeded to beat and drag him through the city streets where they hung him from a street car wire at an intersection. There are a myriad of other cases that are similar to this over the course of American history.

The Civil Rights/Black Power Era’s were fueled by police misconduct/brutality against Black people among other major issues with such as housing and education inequalities, voter suppression and segregation. Take Bull Connor, who was the Commissioner of Public Safety for Birmingham, Alabama for almost three decades. He directed the use of fire hoses and police attack dogs against Civil Rights Activists-child protesters were subjected as well. Connor infamously allowed the The Freedom Riders to be viciously beaten by the KKK without police interference. He cited that there were no police officers available at the time because they were visiting their mothers for Mother’s Day. These are only a few examples of countless known and unknown cases of police brutality which has fueled major disdain and distrust for the legal system in the Black community.

STILL

Unfortunately, I don’t have to reach far back in history to explain that this is still happening to Black people. It is with a heavy heart that I write this post. In the midst of all that is going on with a global pandemic (which is also taking the lives of Black people at alarming rates) we find ourselves grappling with yet another senseless killing of a Black man by law enforcement. George Floyd, a resident of Minneapolis, Minnesota was recently killed by one police officer, while three other police officers watched and did nothing. It was over suspicion of a counterfeit $20 bill. Unfortunately, this isn’t a new story see: Michael Brown, Laquan Mcdonald, Eric Gardner, Oscar Grant, Philando Castile, Sandra Bland, Breonna Taylor, Botham Jean, Amadou Diallo.

You can hardly do any normal activities while Black. For example, Botham Jean was at home, watching tv, about to enjoy a bowl of ice cream, when his life was taken. Breonna Taylor was in her home, minding her business when police officers enacted a no-knock warrant, busted into her home and proceeded with gunfire. Ahmaud Arbery was going for a run when his life was taken from him. Christian Cooper was in the park bird watching when he was falsely accused of threatening the life of a white woman. We could be barbecuing in the park, playing on the playground, hosting a lemonade stand, swimming in our backyards, or walking home from the corner store- I can’t make this up. I haven’t even touched on the complexities of the intersectionality of Black subgroups. Being Black in America is tough and having to continuously defend our right to exist is exhausting.

RISE


Image: REUTERS/Darren Ornitz

I could go on for days, but I’ve tried my best to explain on a condensed scale the overwhelming magnitude of racial injustice in America, if you couldn’t already tell. I feel that it is my responsibility as a Black woman to spread awareness on issues that affect my community. While there is no simple solution to this incredibly complex reality that permeates our daily existence, I believe the first step is educating yourselves on why these things are happening and understand that these are not isolated incidents. These things are taking place in your country, your state, your city, and your neighborhood. Black people all over are angry and are hurting . I encourage you to take the time to educate yourselves on these issues and then find a way to be a part of the solution. Do not be a bystander. Speak out against injustice. Do the right thing even when it seems scary and you may be uncertain of the outcome. Remember, your silence speaks volumes.

As for the man from Walmart so many years ago, wherever you may be: I AM STILL STANDING. You may have thought that you broke me down, but I am still here. I know who I am. You tried to break my spirit and my strength. I know now, that that was the enemy working through you to get to me. I was placed on this earth to help others and show God’s love. Nothing and no one is going to stop me!

Yours in Solidarity,

London

The Parent Trap

You ever swear up and down that you wouldn’t do that annoying thing your parent(s) does, or used to do & then one day, it happens?! When we find ourselves becoming more and more like our parents for better or for worse

Song Inspiration: Exactly What You Run From You End Up Chasing x Tyler the Creator
Physical representation of what it looks like when you find yourself picking up traits from your parental figure(s)

If you ask anyone in my family, they can quote a notorious phrase from the book of my mom. One of my least favorite lines was “Everything that belongs to me…Let’s Go!!” She’d usually say that whenever we were at a family function or a group gathering of some sort. I dreaded hearing that line because it always seemed to happen at the height of my fun, like right in the middle of a game of tag or hide and seek. She timed it so perfectly. I later realized that the call to round up my siblings and I was equivalent to that feeling you get when all the lights in the club turn on while the DJ announces last call for drinks at the bar. In my recent adulthood, I found myself saying that same notorious phrase from my mom one day when I was leading a group of my students on a field trip as we were getting ready to go, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

When talking to my friends and family, we often crudely joke about the scars our parents have left on us from childhood all the way into adulthood. There are definitely isms that we have picked up on from our parents that we’d hate to admit are true. We often categorize them as “mommy or daddy issues.” I mean how many times have you done something in your personal or professional life and thought to yourself, this is something my parental figure would do? Face palm. I will admit, adulthood has humbled me in ways that I could have never imagined. As much as we run from the things we despise the most about our parents, I’ve found that sometimes we tend to turn into our parents by doing those very things. It’s almost inevitable. So how do we take even the most challenging or hurtful situations we’ve faced with our parental figures and turn them into something we can grow from, and finally heal those scars for the benefit of our lives and those around us?

Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever do they forgive them.

Oscar Wilde

My mom and I were always extremely close. I am the baby of my sibling group, born six days before my mom’s birthday and I always credit that to why we used to bump heads when I was growing up. I always wanted to be by her side. When she would be in bed minding her business, watching tv, I’d crawl up next to her and just lay on her. I used to hate thunderstorms as a kid so when they’d hit, I would hurry downstairs to my mom’s room and hop in bed with her. I found the most comfort when I was next to my mom. My mom and I have this special telepathic kind of connection. We are often able to communicate things with just a look. I can recall many times when my mom and I would have conversations about things that were on our hearts and minds and then the conversation would come up again when we were sitting in a sermon at church or while listening to the radio. We would look at each other and laugh. I spent the majority of my childhood working to make my mom proud and then one day that theory came crashing down.

Have you ever had a fight with a parental figure that you just knew you couldn’t come back from? That happened to me at the beginning of my senior year of college. My mom and I had gotten into the worst fight I could have ever imagined. It was so bad that I ended up giving my mom the silent treatment for months. During those months of silence, I struggled a lot with who I was. For so many years I had lived my life with the idea that I was living up to my mom’s expectations. I was a safe kid, even all the way through to adulthood (probably too safe when I think about it). I made it my business to keep a 3.0 or above while in school, I didn’t drink until I was 21, I wasn’t a huge party person, and I wasn’t having sex because my plan was to save myself until marriage. I lived my life with tons of caution because I feared disappointing my mom who was the one person I wanted to impress the most. The fight that we had crumbled my entire world. I can’t remember much from that day but I do remember my mom telling me that I was selfish and that she was very disappointed in me. Me, selfish?! How dare she say something like that?!

Up until that moment I had felt like everything I worked so hard for was all a waste. I lived my life on the straight and narrow all for my mom to feel as if I had done the exact opposite! Y’all, I didn’t even jaywalk! (I still choose not to, if I can help it) That’s how much I tried to live life by the rules. My mom’s statements really made me question everything about myself, like would I have been a good student had I not feared disappointing my mom? Or how many more risks would I have taken had I not been afraid? Would I ever feel comfortable jaywalking?!? It made me question how I would’ve turned out if I hadn’t been so hard on myself for the approval of my mom. I was so hurt by my mom. It felt like we would never be able to recover from this big of a blow.

The months that went by without contact with my mom were hard. My mom would text me occasionally, but I wouldn’t respond. She would send messages through my significant other, and I wouldn’t respond. When I needed help, I would reach out to my grandparents or my older sister. Weird flex, but I had actually gotten pretty good at ignoring my mom; I was determined to be able to survive without her. I will never forget the day that my mom brought all of that ideology to an extreme halt. I was working my shift as a cashier at Meijer when all of a sudden my mom popped up at the grocery store! My mom pulled up on me! The audacity!

“You can’t just ignore your mom, London.” Those were the first words that came out of her mouth while I just stood there in shock. First of all, I definitely could, and she was hindering the process by showing up! I had gone so long without speaking to my mom that I honestly thought I wouldn’t have an encounter with her ever again. I brushed her off and told her that I couldn’t talk to her because I needed to get back to work. With a sly grin on her face she said okay and then walked away. I thought that I had gotten rid of her until she popped up in my check-out lane! This woman drove an hour to ambush me and now she’s buying groceries too?! She was not going to give up! I checked my mom out and then asked my supervisor to take my 15 minute break. In those 15 minutes, I learned so much about my myself and my mom and who she had truly raised me to be.

Although I had been known to be extremely hard on myself, I had been an ever harder critic toward my mom. I was stuck in the notion that my mom could never change, that I would always see her as someone who hurt me and nothing else. Contrary to my own popular belief at that time, my mom was a human who wasn’t perfect and made mistakes. As much as I was hurting, I too had hurt my mom in ways that I could not see. We both could have handled our fight differently and I could see that the distance between us was hurting my mom just as much as it was hurting me. I started to break down the places in my mind that wouldn’t allow the idea or thought that my mom could undergo change no matter what her past consisted of.

My mom raised me to be introspective. Although, I understood all too well the pain that she had caused me, I also realized how I had made her feel when I was in a hurt place. She raised me to show grace and display forgiveness. Then with that, empathy began to grow for the both of us. Of course nothing major was resolved in a 15 minute conversation, but my mom’s bold move to break the ice was what was needed for us to develop an entirely new relationship.

My mom knows I collect mugs, so when she pulled up on me at my job, she bought me this mug. It’s a constant reminder of that day and the relationship we continue to build

I find that I still use the things I learned from that day in so many aspects of my adult life now. My mom was bold enough to pull up on me to finally have some sort of discussion and I use this same method when I advocate for the students I work with. Whenever my students aren’t hearing back from a college rep, or the financial aid office I always suggest that we “pull up” on them by going to the school, on our day off, or find a way to physically connect with someone in person because that has proven to be effective the majority of the time. I am able to empathize better with those around me as well which has helped in both my personal and professional life. I am not completely there yet, but I try to be the one that breaks the ice when at odds with others. I take a step back and try to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. I make sure that the other person is able to express what they are feeling and know that they are heard, even if we don’t see eye to eye. I am able to counsel my students when they are struggling with personal relationships because I understand that healing is a lengthy process but I know that it is possible to come back from situations that seem impossible to salvage. So yeah, some days I come across situations that remind me of how similar I am to my mom, and it makes me smile.

Do you have Mommy issues, Daddy issues, or both?! I challenge you to think about the things that make you similar to your parental figure(s). What are some of the things you’ve picked up that have made you a better person? What are some of the things you picked up that you’ve had to change or would like to be different? How have you used some of the worst moments in your relationship with a parental figure(s) to heal or change your own life trajectory? I’d love to know your thoughts!

Yours in Authenticity,

London

Because The Internet

My eyes are green, because I eat a lot of vegetables. It has absolutely nothing to do with your recent social media post. When social media and real life collide for better or for worse.

Song Inspiration: Phone Down x Erykah Badu
Art by Sharmelan Murugiah

Do you remember your first interaction with the internet/social media? Where my AOL people at?! MY AIM chat folks?? Dial up internet peeps?! The infamous Clippy, from Microsoft Word scholars?!?! Floppy disk homies?!! Y’all still with me? What about Myspace–y’all remember Myspace, right?? Of course y’all do! You had the opportunity to have your own customized background on your page, you were able to have a profile picture with a quote of your desire, you could limit your friends to top 5, 10 and even 25 (If you were in someone’s top five, you were exclusive, basically VIP) and most importantly my favorite part was that you could pick a song to feature on your page which was the introduction to people knowing the bomb taste you had in music. Nowadays, we just subtly restart a song when our friend hops in the car and hope they vibe with it just as much as we do.

Some fun facts about me (which I recognize might not sound like a huge deal if you’re not a millennial): I grew up without internet in my home, I didn’t get a cellphone until I was a junior in high school, I didn’t get a laptop until freshman year of college and I didn’t get a smart phone until my sophomore year of college. So as you can imagine, I was pretty behind in the technology realm! My first experiences with social media came via my friends and other family outside of my home. I remember my mom refusing to let me make a Myspace page because of my age and the hidden dangers of online predators. Of course I made one anyway (sorry mom!) It was a need to feel included on a bigger platform, a need to be in the know about things I wasn’t privy to.

Although we’ve come a long way from the Myspace days, we’ve advanced to the age of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat and so much more. I am a firm believer that we can, and do utilize all of these platforms for good. We are able to spread awareness on important issues and raise money. We find jobs and form networks. We are able to showcase and market our skills and talents. We connect with friends and family all across the globe. We use these platforms to celebrate, encourage and even grieve with one another. Social Media is one of the biggest spaces that connects all of us and can help us find common ground with those close to us and even complete strangers (like this blog!)

“We’re all self-conscious, I’m just the first to admit it”

Art by Ben Fearley

However, I think many, if not all of us would agree that social media has taken or can take a negative toll on our lives. We live in a society of instant gratitude and approval. We can become more worried about how our lives look on social media than how we actually live them out daily. Honestly, it took me a while to come to terms with the negative ways that social media had impacted various areas in my life, and I’ve had to take my fair share of breaks from social media just to get my mind right.

Friends: How many of us have them?

I think it starts with the task of finding friends to follow on social media and then the anxiety that comes behind the thought of “what if they don’t follow me back?!” Followers or lack there of can mess with your ego. You may start to wonder if you’re liked enough or if you should be doing something to make yourself seem more likable. It’s also that fear of missing out. How many times have you gone out with your friends–even when you really didn’t want to, just because you didn’t want to wake up the next morning to scroll and see all the posts of your friends having fun and making memories without you? Bonus points if your friends left you out of the plans purposely and then you discovered via social media that they were all together without you.

On Instagram, straight flexin

In my dating relationships, I would harp on social media so heavy. How many of us have posted a picture of ourselves and really only wanted the validation or compliments from our significant other and they just neglected to acknowledge your fineness or the effort that you put into your entire ensemble?! The frustration is real! I used to be so pressed about what my significant other would like on social media. It became even worse when social media sites started dry snitching. I would be on social media, minding my business and then BOOM: So and so has liked such and such’s picture on *insert social media handle here* (Deep spiritual sigh). There is something about the male species and social media that I will never quite understand. I’ve heard a thousand times over from men of all walks of life say “men are visual creatures,” so when they like certain things or images on social media, it’s simply just that: a like. Plain and simple. It was visually pleasing, so I liked it (insert eye roll here.)

I used to feel so insecure about it though. My man was liking pictures of half naked women, or women who looked nothing like me in any sense and it made me feel like I wasn’t enough, or that even though my partner was with me physically, he desired to be elsewhere. I wasted so much time thinking about it that it created extra stress in my relationship. It was like walking on eggshells. Then one day it hit me: Would I feel any different about it if my man was liking pictures of women who were more like me? Women who had the similar drive, kind hearts were encouraging, approachable and fine too?! I think I would have had an even worse melt-down low-key! Previous London’s thought process is cringe-worthy. Thank God for a growth mindset!

And then there’s the controversy of posting your significant other on social media. Some people find it completely necessary, while others don’t. I used to be the kind of person who would like to be shown off. I wanted my partner to post me every now and again to acknowledge that we were together and to celebrate milestones such as birthdays, holidays and other exciting moments. I used to put so much pressure on my significant other to post us together because I believed that if people knew we were together, it would reduce the risk of infidelity or sneaky activity or that people would be able to see how happy we were together (LOL at how naive I was).

The harsh reality is that the only person you can control is yourself and even if your significant other could post you every single day, sing your praises and put you on a pedestal, they still have a choice in whether or not they will honor the commitment that they made to you. We’ve seen it happen one too many times. We all know people (or have even been those people) who are in full blown relationships but are also doing other things outside of the relationship that would be considered extremely shady. Relationships to me are about action. Whether I am posted or not, I need to be able to feel secure about where I stand in a relationship over anything. I could go on about this forever, but bottom line is that although I personally believe people in relationships should have some type of social media etiquette and it will look different in each relationship should they choose to have them. I also had to understand that there are just some things that aren’t worth fighting over and social media is one of them.

Keeping up with the Jones’s or the Kardashians or Neither?

Social media has way of making us feel like we aren’t doing enough. Social media had me looking at my own life like I was doing something wrong. I put so much pressure on myself at a young age. When I first graduated from college, I was so excited to complete such a major milestone. Then I went on social media and saw that people who I graduated with were buying houses, friends my age were getting married and having kids and all of a sudden an accomplishment that I felt was so major, became so minuscule in my eyes. It became so bad, that I felt that I was no longer genuinely celebrating with my family and friends when they did something amazing, because I felt inadequate in comparison.

Have you ever felt some type of way about someone else’s successes in areas that you’ve struggled? Social media can make us feel some type of way about regular life things like fitness lifestyle and even career changes. How many times have you scrolled to see someone’s before and after picture of their weight loss journey while you’re demolishing a family size bag of Doritos and suddenly felt terrible? Or how many of us look at celebrity, or Twitter/IG/Youtube famous couples that we admire and think to ourselves, “Oh wow, so and so is extremely thoughtful! Meanwhile, here I am-I can’t even get a text back!”? I’m definitely guilty of that one more than I’d like to admit. What happens when you scroll and see that person who’s in the same field as you, or has the same skill set as you, thriving in the same way you’d like to be, but aren’t? Have I reached your “ism” yet?? My pastor always says, “if you can’t say Amen, just say ouch.” Ouch.

I used to ponder hard about the old phrase, “The grass is greener on the other side.” For many years I was looking toward other things or people to fill voids in my life that they could not fill. I made it the responsibility of others to boost my self-esteem, my confidence and my ego. Then with time, that little green monster of envy for what others had, quickly turned into self-loathing. So here’s the thing: As cliche as it sounds, the grass is only green where you decide to water it. I was neglecting to water my own grass and so yeah, I could see how someone else’s lawn could look way better than my own.

All those moments that I spent stressing about social media really boiled down to the fact that I was not humanizing the things that I was seeing. Behind every post was a deeper story. I had no idea what people had gone through to get to where they were at because people are more prone to post the good moments over the struggle moments. I was so absorbed with what I didn’t have or hadn’t achieved that I wasn’t taking the time to genuinely celebrate myself nor the people around me. Over the years, I have had to learn this lesson the hard way. I had to take many hiatuses from social media until I could get my mind right. When I made the decision to truly invest in nurturing and growing myself, for myself, my mindset started to change. I was able to truly celebrate milestones with my family and friends without feeling insufficient.

Have you ever gone through a certain struggle, and then are thankful that you went through it because you’re now able to help someone else with that same struggle? That’s how I feel about this topic. I am thankful to have gone through these experiences because now as I am teaching my students about making decisions for their futures, I am able to take a more personal and relatable approach. This is special to me because the students I work with now have been surrounded by technology their entire lives. They are so caught up in social media presence and appearance that it hinders how they see themselves and their abilities.

When working with my students, I use the example of the horse who wears blinders on both the left and the right side of their eyes. The trainer does that for the benefit of the horse so that it doesn’t get distracted by what’s going on around it while on it’s journey to a specific destination. Likewise, all of our journeys to get to a desired destination are individual and unique and inspiring. Our journeys may not look the same as our best friends or our close family, but that doesn’t make them any less significant. Some of our neighbors may actually have greener grass, or pretty flowers or even a few trees, but that’s because they took the time to water, nurture and focus on what was important to them in their lives. I encourage all of us to practice taking a break, putting our phones down and taking some time to water and nurture our internal grass as we travel to our specific destinations, making sure to and enjoy the pit stops, detours and stop lights along the way.

I would love to hear your thoughts on social media. How has it helped you? In what ways has it hindered your progress? How do you keep healthy balance between your life on social media and your real life?

Yours in Authenticity,

London